Born: August 21st, 1936

Died: October 12th, 1999

High of His Life: Wilton Norman Chamberlain is regarded by many as the greatest basketball player in the history of everything. Standing over seven feet tall, Wilt is the only player to score 100 points in an NBA game, as well as the only guy to average over 50 pts per game over an entire season… both records that will likely never be touched. While the 100-pt game gets more notice, its the 50+ point average that’s more incredible. To put it in perspective, the 2010-2011 leader in PPG was Kevin Durant, with 28.6. So if Chamberlain beat Durant’s average at 30 one night, that means mathematically he’d have to go out and score 70 the next night. Absolutely ridic.

But as legendary as Wilt’s accomplishments on the hardwood undoubtedly were, the true highs of his life came when his wood was hard. A lifelong bachelor, Chamberlain claimed on several occasions he had sexual intercourse with over 20,000 women.

That’s not a typo. Twenty-THOUSAND women. His lawyer Seymour Goldberg once said “Some people collect stamps, Wilt collected women.” A TV show called In Living Color once did a skit where a mother and daughter stood by a Vietnam-Wall looking structure, that was actually a list of women who had slept with him… and they were both on it.

At the time of the 20,000-women claim, made in his autobiography A View From Above, it was mathematically concluded that he must have had sex with 1.37 women per day, starting from when he was 15.

Low of His Life: Did you not read the first part?? HE HAD SEX WITH 20,000 WOMEN!! And to my knowledge, did so without contracting a sexually transmitted disease! How is that even possible?!

That being said, Chamberlain did have a series of totally dweebish nicknames such as The Big Dipper, Dippy, and Dipper, all of which were references to his need to “dip” his head when he’d walk through a door, NOT his presumably enourmous penis.

People Who See Him As A Hero: Playboys and Centers. Oh, and me.

Born February 24, 1955

Died October 5, 2011

High of His Life: You are reading a blog at least in part because a guy named Steve Jobs decided computers were a thing people might want to have. Plain and simple. Your life has been forever altered by Steve Jobs. As a result he got the full on asshole license that comes with being a truly world changing historical figure.

Getting the asshole pass is of course the greatest achievement one can obtain in this life. With the invention of the first affordable home computer Steve Jobs got the asshole pass for life. But he would not rest there. He redesigned that computer into something aesthetically pleasing, giving his asshole pass a late in life renewal.  Then he invented the iPod, upon which his asshole pass was given black-card status. Then he changed movies with Pixar. (In a way he’s the reason you were in tears during Up.) He changed the way music was sold with iTunes. He shoved the internet in people’s pockets with the iPhone. After all of that he just decided to make the crazy Star Trek machine that is the iPad. He won the fight to be the biggest asshole of his generation and if his affinity for black turtlenecks is any indication he took that title to the grave with him.

Low of His Life: Repeatedly in his life Steve Jobs was reminded that no one could do what he did better. He was squeezed out of Mac in the 80′s and watched the company nearly get run into the ground by the late 90′s. He got back in and saved the thing making it better than ever. Then he retired this year. Earlier this week with the wet-fart announcement of the iPhone 4S, as apposed to a new iPhone 5 it was once again displayed that puny people who are not Steve Jobs simply can not ever get things done as effectively as guys who are Steve Jobs.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, anyone trying to make money selling music, anyone trying to make money at all really, nerds.