Born December 30, 1945

Dead February 29, 2012

High of His Life: Hey, hey he was a Monkee! People say he monkeed around! He’ll just keep on singing…oh wait no he won’t. He’s dead. Regardless, being in the pop group The Monkees was certainly his biggest accomplishment. He sang lead vocals for the group and he was a total teenage heartthrob –major chick magnet back in the day. Even after the group disbanded, he still remained popular during his solo career. He was apparently famous enough to make quite a number of cameos on various television shows and movies. Or maybe he was just the butt of the joke…

Low of His Life: Despite the major success and continued popularity of the song “Daydream Believer,” Davy Jones was in a band created for a television show…and it was The Monkees! Although they were popular at the time, the Beatles they were not, no matter how hard they tried to be. They were just wannabes. His cameo in the movie The Brady Bunch Movie was him totally making fun of himself and his lack of importance in a modern world.

People Who See Him as a Hero: Marcia Brady, your mom, the other Davy Jones, monkeys.

Born: August 6, 1928

Died: February 22, 1987

High of His Life: Considered to be the quintessential leader of the pop art movement, Andy Warhol was the “it guy” of his time. Besides getting to hang out with all the hottest celebrities of the time, Warhol actually got paid to paint soup cans, bananas, and celebrities…then he inverted the colors! Despite my personal dislike, the man not only had a huge influence on the art scene, but also had a cultural impact on music, film, fashion, and books. His work continues to influence people from all cultural mediums.

Low of His Life: Warhol managed to have just as many haters as lovers, claiming  his work lacked depth, meaning, or significance. In 1986, Valerie Solanas shot Warhol at his studio. Many would say, or at least I would, he became somewhat of a sellout in the 1970s when he decided to spend most of his time gathering up rich patrons to commission portraits. By the 80s, many described him as superficial and said he turned into a “business artist.”

Who Sees Him as a Hero: The Velvet Underground, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, people who use Photobooth on Macs, and failed artists everywhere

Born:  September 21, 1971

Died: February 22, 1984

High of His Life: What could I possibly say was the “high” of this poor child’s life? I’m sure if you ask a devout religious person he would say it was a miracle he was alive at all. David Vetter’s parents knew full well that if they attempted to have a child, there would be a 50% chance he would conceive SCID. Way to take the risk anyway mom and dad! A friend was sweet enough to arrange a special showing of Return of the Jedi at a local movie theater where David could attend in a transport chamber. He also got to wear a special suit developed by NASA but he only wore it 7 times before outgrowing it.

Low of His Life: Oh boy, where to begin? Let’s see…he lived in a bubble! He only knew the feeling of fresh air for 10 seconds after his birth before he entered his special chamber. David never knew the feeling of human contact, the wind blowing in his hair, the warmth of sunshine on his face, or the crunch of sand beneath his toes. Is that depressing enough for you? David put on quite the facade to the media and to others; over time he became angry and depressed, much like the bubble boy from Seinfeld.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Christians, ill children, people with souls, and hamsters.

Born: July 18th, 1937

Died: February 20th, 2005

High of his Life: Hunter S. Thompson was the greatest manipulator of the English language in the history of man. Inventor of “Gonzo,” his own personal genre of journalism, HST wrote some of the most fantastic collections of words and phrases in the history of man. The autobiographical novel Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the gonzo journalistic book Hell’s Angels, and the collection of articles Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72 are his most celebrated. However, he’s perhaps better known for his constant nonchalant use of drugs and alcohol. The Good Doctor described himself as “a teenage girl trapped in the body of an elderly dope fiend,” a phrase that seemed to fit his lifestyle perfectly.

Looking for a good drinking game? Just type “Hunter S. Thompson quotes” into Google, then search the page for how many times the phrase “pig fucker” is used.

Low of his Life: An alcoholic and a drug addict, HST health failed him at a relatively early age, and his physical struggles led to his seemingly inevitable suicide. More notably, like most who struggle with addiction Raul Duke had a closet full of demons, many of which were thrown out into the public posthumously by Rolling Stone editor Jann Werner in the biography GONZO: The Life of Hunter S. Thompson. And like many self-destructive aritsts, the Good Doctor leaves his loyal fanbase with the heartbreaking thought of what could have been.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Journalists, politicians, writers, Ralph Steadman, Johnny Depp, and anyone who has ever truly enjoyed Las Vegas. Also, myself.

Born April 16, ????

Died February 14, 270 (although that is up for debate)

High of His Life: There are actually 14 Saint Valentines and it’s not clear if the feast celebrates one or all the saints with the same name. Either way, all of those bastards are responsible for today’s commercialized holiday. (I can’t pretend I’m not jealous of having my own recognized holiday though.) Thanks to these martyrs, you can enjoy candy, flowers, stuffed animals, fancy dinners, and sexy lingerie on your lady…or man depending what you’re in to. The original saint supposedly restored a blind girl’s vision. I’d say that’s quite an accomplishment.

Low of His Life: Whether we’re talking about one Saint Valentine or all, each were martyred. That has to suck, even if it is for a cause. Also, they gave us this terrible horrible where people feel forced to do romantic gestures for their partners. Because of them, I’m sure countless men have been dumped because they forgot to buy a present. I’m also certain many fights were caused over lame Valentine’s Day plans.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Hopeless romantics, Catholics, Hallmark, florists, Russell Stover, and all major candy companies

Born May 31st 1857

Died February 10th, 1939

High of his Life: Pope Pius XI was Pope and the first sovereign of Vatican City, once it became an independent state five days after his Papacy began. So, yeah, he was kind of a big deal. He also spoke out against anti-semitic and racist laws in Italy that started in 1938.

Low of his Life: Despite speaking out against anti-semitism in Italy, Pius was quiet about it in Nazi Germany. Most notably, when asked by Italian Dictator Benito Mussolini to excommunicate Adolf Hitler, as a means of “rending him less powerful in Catholic Austria and reduce the danger to Italy and wider Europe,” Pius refused. This directly led to more anti-semitic legislature in Italian law.

British journalist and author John Cornwell wrote a book entitled Hitler’s Pope, which isn’t the most endearing nickname for the official voice as supreme pastor of the universal church.

Who See’s Him As A Hero: Anyone who thinks Italians are more important than Germans, Individuals who live double-lives, former Hitler Youth member Pope Benedict XVI

Born (left to right in the photo)

J.P “The Big Bopper” Richardson October 24, 1930,

Buddy Holly September 7, 1936,

Richie Valens May 13, 1941

Died February 3, 1959

High of Their Lives: The three singer/songwriters listed  here were Rock n’Roll heroes that would inspire generations simply by being white(or white-ish, Valens) and singing music influenced by black people but mostly sucked dry of all the sexual innuendo that such music had heretofore included. That all said they’re responsible for some of the best songs ever. They were the heirs to the explosion of white cultural theft begun by Elvis Presley and they wielded that power with purpose. They toured the nation playing to screaming teenagers. They recorded some of the most beloved songs of their era. In the process they became legends and the subjects of two movies(the Buddy Holly focused The Buddy Holly Story and the Valens focused La Bamba, sorry Big Bopper). Clearly they were very important people.

Low of Their Lives: Of course, then they got on that dumb single engine plane and it literally all came crashing down. We would never again hear the Spanglish song stylings of Richie Valens, we would never again marvel at the classic fat-guy voice of the Big Bopper, and we would have to wait decades for Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo to excise the aesthetic of Buddy Holly and participate in a repeated public molestation of the character he once cut.

They call it “The Day The Music Died” but of course music as it were stuck around for a while afterwards. In fact that music did not die with these three is probably their greatest failure. Their death and music’s continued existence ensured that “American Pie” Don McLean’s insufferable ‘tribute’ to these guys be birthed. The result is a totally inappropriately rowdy and inescapable sing along.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Anyone wearing thick framed glasses as a fashion statement, Arthur Fonzarelli, and rebellious (but not too rebellious) white kids everywhere.