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Billy Mays DEAD June 28th, 2009

June 28th, 2012 | Posted by EricM in Celebrity | Gone Too Soon - (0 Comments)

Born: July 20th, 1958

Dead: June 28th, 2009

High of his Life: Billy Mays was King of the Pitch. Whereas Sales positions are typically dreaded or looked at as souless liars and leeches, Mays embraced the Art of Selling and took it to places it had never been before. He got his start selling MADE FOR TV items on the Atlantic City boardwalk, of all places, and from there went on to start his own company, star in a Discovery Channel show based around his skills, and become the most sought-after pitchman for all product promotion on the planet.

At the time of his demise, Billy Mays had become more of a household name then any of the products he was peddling.

Low of his Life: That being said, one could argue the “high” of Billy Mays life was in fact what killed him. Chronic, untreated hypertension led to heart disease, which was listed as the “primary cause of death” for Mays. BUT THAT’S NOT AT ALL! Massive cocaine use was listed as a “contributory cause of death” by Dr. Vernard Adams, a Florida medical examiner. And anyone who watched a B-Mays pitch wasn’t really all that surprised.

While being great at what he did… and lets not kid ourselves, Billy Mays was the best at what he did… but just cause I’m good at shoveling shit, that shouldn’t earn me a Nobel Priza, ya dig? He sold things called “Jupiter Jack”, “Mighty Putty Steel,” and “Kaboom!” Doesn’t that tell you enough?

Mays was a salesmen, and therefore earned his bread by convincing people they needed to spend money on things they didn’t actually need. He was a legalized con artist. He was King of Legalizaed Con Artists, but a con artist indeed.

Who See’s Him As a Hero: Pitchmen everywhere. Anthony Sullivan. The Sham Wow Guy. People who don’t know what Death of a Salesmen is really about.

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Kevin ‘GG’ Allin DEAD June 28, 1993

June 28th, 2012 | Posted by TimD in Celebrity | Gone Too Soon | Tributes - (0 Comments)

Born: August 29, 1956

Died: June 28, 1993 aged 36

High of Her Life: Born Jesus Christ Allin, yup, you can pretty much put the high point right there. How does one live up to the given name Jesus Christ? Well when you are Jesus Christ Allin, later changed by his mother to Kevin James Allin, you simply never try. After being bestowed with that name it was all child abuse and Lyme disease for young GG Allin(so named because his brother, unable to pronounce Jesus, used to call him Jeje).

Low of Her Life: But oh those crazy lows, were so purposefully low that they might almost classify as highs. GG Allin was in a collection of some of the best worst named rock bands in history; the Murder Junkies, the Carolina Shitkickers, the Scumfucks, Bulge, the Toilet Rockers, Bloody Mess and the Scabs, and of course the Texas Nazis. The song titles were even better bad titles: “Hard Candy Cock,” “Drink Fight And Fuck,” “I’m Gonna Rape You,” “Sluts In The City,” “Eat My Diarrhea,” “Expose Yourself To Kids,” and many many more.

Off stage GG Allin abused any and all sorts of drugs available, being particularly fond of booze and heroin. On stage Allin abused laxatives to “explosive” results, often shitting all over himself the stage and the audience. He regularly promised on stage suicides but always found himself in prison on said nights. Allin was arrested for rape and torture in 1989. He claimed the woman to be a willing participant and even admitted to cutting and burning her, and drinking her blood. He said she did the same. He was imprisoned from December ’89 through March ’91, and managed to write a book while in prison.

After prison Allin made appearances on Geraldo and Jerry Springer. In 1993 he died of a simple run of the mill heroin overdose. An almost slight end to such a scarily dangerous career. His open casket funeral(in which morticians were told to not use makeup or clean the corpse, which wreaked of feces) is now widely available on DVDs and the internet. His grave calls him a “Rock N Roll Terrorist.”

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Roy Ziegler, Steve O, anyone who has ever put a swear word in a band name or defecated in public for fun.

For more music writing including articles about Fucked Up, 2Pac and the Crucifucks check out This Great Blog.

 

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Senator Strom Thurmond DEAD June 26, 2003

June 26th, 2012 | Posted by ajaxadmin in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born: December 5, 1902

Died: June 26, 2003 aged 100

High of His Life: Being a raging racist the 20th century was probably a hard time for Senator Strom Thurmond. But oh those early years probably felt glorious. He fought against civil rights repetitively throughout the decades of his frighteningly illustrious political career. He also was able to remake the Republican party into his own hyper-racist image, and as a result created ‘The Southern Strategy,’ a tool that was used as recently as 2008, though of course it failed there. (Pretty big time, ol’ Strom was probably turning in his grave over that election.)

Either way, he managed to be reelected for 47 years! He was basically a mummy by the time he retired.

Low of His Life: Like I said, being a racist in the 20th century was rough. Civil rights got through, advanced through out his political career, and as a result, ol’ Strom started looking like a real d-bag. After his death it was discovered that maybe the good Senator wasn’t so racist after all. He maybe had a flavor for chocolate and even had a daughter in that flavor. Real nice, Strom.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: A large number of southern white men who are not “racist,” they just “worry about the direction the country is going.”

 

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Farrah Fawcett DEAD June 25, 2009

June 25th, 2012 | Posted by ajaxadmin in Uncategorized - (1 Comments)

Born: February 2nd, 1947

Died: June 25th, 2009

High of Her Life: Known most famously as Jill from Charlie’s Angels, Farrah Fawcett was a sex icon and a well loved actress in the late 70s to early 80s. That famous red bathing suit poster was plastered on every male college dorm room wall (over 12 million copies have been sold to date). And we can’t forget the fact that she had thousands of women sporting “Farrah hair.”  Men loved her, women wanted to be her, what’s a higher point than that?

Low of Her Life: Being diagnosed with anal cancer. Yes, anal cancer. Kind of an embarrassing cancer to say you had. It’s like you’d rather just tell someone you have syphilis or that you own a Justin Bieber album than tell them you have anal cancer. Also, having her death overshadowed by Michael Jackson’s. Sorry Farrah, we cared for about 4 hours. Then we deemed your entire life as less important.

Who Sees Her As a Hero: Every teenage girl in the late 70s, every adolescent boy who ever has and ever will live.

 

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Michael Jackson DEAD June 25, 2009

June 25th, 2012 | Posted by ajaxadmin in Celebrity | Conspiracy Theory | Finally Dead | Gone Too Soon | Tributes - (0 Comments)

mjacksonBorn: August 29, 1958

Died: June 25, 2009

High of his Life: Being hailed the “King of Pop” is a pretty remarkable feat. So is being considered the best performer of the modern age. He has had countless hits, extremely famous music videos, and his life earnings ranged in the $500 million zone. Epic. Yep, you could say that he had a pretty spectacular career and devoted fan base.

Even the non-devoted fans secretly loved his material. It’s just the truth. You can’t hate on the mastermind behind “Thriller.” It’s resulted in the most awesome zombie flash mobs everywhere. And we all love zombies, don’t we?

And, out of all things, he lived in an amusement park. That’s just awesome. Period.

Low of his Life: Let’s start with the fact that a talented young,  handsome black boy transitioned into a hideously odd-looking ghostly white woman. He’s also had some nasty allegations against him which involved giving children warm milk and tucking them into his bed. An interview soon followed intended to clear his name, but actually counted against him. The part where he claimed to find “nothing wrong with it” didn’t help his case.

In fact, the innocence of youth was sort of what he considered his high point- that’s probably why it’s the lowest part of his life. He was seemingly unaware as to why people thought he was a creeper. Maybe those lashings he and his siblings got as kids from dear old Daddy might have had something to do with it… nah.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Japan… everyone else jumped on-board after his death.

BONUS: Watch the King of Pop take on the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll in a rap battle:

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Patsy Ramsey DEAD June 24, 2006

June 24th, 2012 | Posted by ajaxadmin in Celebrity | Conspiracy Theory | Finally Dead - (0 Comments)

Patsy RamseyBorn: December 29, 1956

Died: June 24, 2006 aged 49

High of Her Life: Mother of famed daughter JonBenet, Patsy really had no “high” of her life to speak of, unless you count living vicariously through your daughter. She did however win the title of Miss West Virginia beauty title in 1977 and I bet that was the only good thing in her life up until her sister won the same title three years later and she was immediately snubbed by her parents.

Low of Her Life: Her daughter was murdered at the mere age of six. Considering the fact that we all know she did it, this could also be considered the high of her life since she successfully completed the murder and got away with it. But on a serious note, she spent the last ten years of her life defending her innocence and later contracted ovarian cancer which led to her death in 2006.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Parents looking to murder their children for wetting the bed and get away with it, OJ Simpson, and parents who think it’s okay to parade your child around in beauty pageants.

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Jackie Gleason DEAD June 24, 1987

June 24th, 2012 | Posted by TimD in Celebrity | Tributes - (0 Comments)

jackie gleasonBorn: February 26,1916

Dead: June 24, 1987

High of his Life: I think being on one of the most acclaimed sitcoms of all-time, The Honeymooners, garners some credibility. That, along with his contributions to the Smokey and the Bandit movies. He was a smart business man and owned percentages of all his shows. Although he is mostly beloved as a comedic actor with a short fuse, he had his stint as dramatic actor. He got acclaim for the movies The Hustler and Requiem for a Heavyweight (no pun intended- he’s not actually the boxer, but fat jokes were bound to come).

His catchphrase, “One of these days, Alice, pow right in the kisser,” would become the silver-lining for abusive spouses the world ’round.

Low of his Life: He was a chain-smoker, consuming about five packs a day. He was also quite fond of his alcohol. The combination plus a few unexplained late nights led not only to two failed marriages but to a myriad of complications including diabetes, liver and colon cancer, phlebitis, and thrombosed hemorrhoids. Talk about having some serious medical baggage. I guess it was a good thing he had the money to pay for that bill, but still, having all of those conditions at one time has to suck.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Over-the-hill comedians, war vets, and other really old people.

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Ed McMahon DEAD June 23, 2009

June 23rd, 2012 | Posted by TimD in Celebrity | Tributes - (0 Comments)

Born March 6, 1923

Died June 23, 2009 aged 86

High of His Life: Ed McMahon was a broadcasting legend and he did it all while barely stepping out of the shadow of his boss. He was Johnny Carson’s sidekick for thirty years, in the eyes and dreams of most Americans on a nightly basis without any of the pressure that has been known to make late night talk show hosts dark monsters when the cameras turn off. He is really the Ringo of American comedy legends, he provided a good beat (in his classically rendered but impossible to recreate in text laugh), smiled politely, and got his name out there.

McMahon was also the host of Star Search making him something like Simon Cowel’s kindly broadcasting grandfather.

Low of His Life: As the face of Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes for decades McMahon, unlike his insular and well guarded boss, was forced to hoist novelty checks into a van and visit actual people at their actual homes. Seems gross and he did over and over again.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Andy Richter, Robim, Hank Kingsley, Joe Biden.

 

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Peter Falk DEAD June 23, 2011

June 23rd, 2012 | Posted by KristenM in Celebrity | Tributes - (11 Comments)

Born: September 16, 1927

Died: June 24, 2011 age 83

High of Her Life: Peter Falk was an actor of the  stage and screen in spite of the fact that his face looked all weird and lop sided. It was quite the accomplishment to be THAT funny looking and that famous but it was all thanks to that strange voice of his. His year’s as television’s Columbo permanently etched him into the psyche of American pop culture.

Low of Her Life: In the movie Woman Under the Influence Falk played a troubled dad trying to raise children in spite of the collapsing mental state of his wife. It was harrowing to say the least and it is genuinely hard to watch, so much so that it seems real. A guy who could play that so real has got to have had some pretty steep lows in his life.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Steve Buscemi, TV cops, old people.

 

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George Carlin DEAD June 22, 2008

June 22nd, 2012 | Posted by TimD in Celebrity | Gone Too Soon | Tributes - (0 Comments)

Born May 12, 1937

Died June 22, 2008 aged 71

High of His Life: George Carlin is undeniably one of the most significant comics in history. He was, along with Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce, one of the first comedians to move from a set-up punchline style of comedy to a more conversational and far darker style. His style of complaining about social norms and politics, occasionally rattled the status-quo. One of his routines “Seven Dirty Words” became a center piece in a Supreme Court case in which the right of  the government to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves.

He won five best comedy album Grammy Awards. He was the first host of Saturday Night Live. Add to that his appearance in the cult classic Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and you have yourself a pretty good career.

Low of His Life: Sadly though, George Carlin kept going. From the moment he started it appeared that for Carlin getting increasingly negative was his comedy evolution. As a result each couple of years he would put  out a special with less and less humor and more and more vitriol. By his last special it seemed clear that Carlin didn’t want to live at all. As a result his death almost felt like a relief. Not to him but to people who respected him. It saved us all from having to sit through another special where he told us all how dumb we were and how useless everything is.

Sometimes you go out on the top, and sometimes you just go out.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Misanthropes, Doug Stanhope, Marc Maron, old people who hate life but are too afraid to kill themselves

 

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