Born December 21st, 1926

Died January 22, 2012

High of his Life: Joseph Vincent “Joe” Paterno was the head coach of the Penn State football team from 1965 until 2011. He is arguablly the greatest college coach of all time, in all sports, coaching five undefeated teams, becoming the only coach with over 400 victories, and winning a pair of national championships. He’s also a member of the College Football Hall of Fame and holds the record for the most victories by an NCAA Division 1 Football coach with 409.

JoePa’s accomplishments extend beyond the gridiron, however. Paterno put a heavy emphasis on his players graduating, and his rosters consistently ranked above the D-1 average in GPA and graduation rate. He was the first college football coach to be named SI’s “Sportsman of the Year,” and also received the NCAA Gerald R. Ford Award as recently as 2011. Most notable is that the library at PSU bears his name, as Paterno and his wife Sue personally donated over $4 million to help expand it.

As Bill Lyon often wrote, “the least important thing Joe Paterno did was coach football.”

Low of his Life: Up until recently, the low of Paterno’s life was the time he had to leave the football field in the middle of a game because it appeared he had pooped his pants. That was before the Sandusky Scandal, which has altered Paterno’s legacy forever.

JoePa built the Penn State football program on the idea that collegiate athletics should find “Success with Honor.”  That mantra took a serious hit when it was revealed Paterno knew his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was banging little kids in the Penn State lockerroom, and the old head coach knew about it as far back as 2002, and likely as far back as 1998, yet did the bare minimum. And they still let the diddler use school facilities and watch games from the Presidents box as recently as this past season.

Joe Paterno did a lot of truly incredibly, philanthropic deeds that should be applauded. But the fact remains that when given the opportunity to stop the horrible inhumane actions of someone he was close with, he failed miserably. Because of this, it is the things Paterno DIDN’T do that will define his life, not the things he did do. It’s a damn shame, but it seems pretty well deserved.

Who Sees JoePa As A Hero: Inexplicably, everyone in Happy Valley, including moronic uneducated rioting students who see this enabler as a demigod. Also, current Penn State alumni who think that covering-up the actions of a serial child molester isn’t grounds for dismissal. And conspiracy theorists.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Born: August 21st, 1936

Died: October 12th, 1999

High of His Life: Wilton Norman Chamberlain is regarded by many as the greatest basketball player in the history of everything. Standing over seven feet tall, Wilt is the only player to score 100 points in an NBA game, as well as the only guy to average over 50 pts per game over an entire season… both records that will likely never be touched. While the 100-pt game gets more notice, its the 50+ point average that’s more incredible. To put it in perspective, the 2010-2011 leader in PPG was Kevin Durant, with 28.6. So if Chamberlain beat Durant’s average at 30 one night, that means mathematically he’d have to go out and score 70 the next night. Absolutely ridic.

But as legendary as Wilt’s accomplishments on the hardwood undoubtedly were, the true highs of his life came when his wood was hard. A lifelong bachelor, Chamberlain claimed on several occasions he had sexual intercourse with over 20,000 women.

That’s not a typo. Twenty-THOUSAND women. His lawyer Seymour Goldberg once said “Some people collect stamps, Wilt collected women.” A TV show called In Living Color once did a skit where a mother and daughter stood by a Vietnam-Wall looking structure, that was actually a list of women who had slept with him… and they were both on it.

At the time of the 20,000-women claim, made in his autobiography A View From Above, it was mathematically concluded that he must have had sex with 1.37 women per day, starting from when he was 15.

Low of His Life: Did you not read the first part?? HE HAD SEX WITH 20,000 WOMEN!! And to my knowledge, did so without contracting a sexually transmitted disease! How is that even possible?!

That being said, Chamberlain did have a series of totally dweebish nicknames such as The Big Dipper, Dippy, and Dipper, all of which were references to his need to “dip” his head when he’d walk through a door, NOT his presumably enourmous penis.

People Who See Him As A Hero: Playboys and Centers. Oh, and me.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Born July 4th, 1930

Dead July 13th, 2010

High of His Life: George Michael Steinbrenner III got to own the Biggest sports franchise in the world, and then he somehow made himself even bigger. He returned the struggling Yankees to greatness, and they are currently the most profitable team in all of sports mainly because of him.

Steinbrenner won not just at the bank, but on the field as well; his Yankee teams brought home 7 World Series Championships during his time as owner, including 2009, the last World Series he’d be alive for.

Most notable, however, should be Steinbrenner’s considerable charity work. He often donated to the families of police officers in the New York area who had lost their lives in the line of duty. He was also a big supporter of the Boys and Girls Club and the Salvation Army, and donated approximately $1 million to St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital.

He was also featured prominently in the television series Seinfeld, voiced by Larry David, and got to share a nickname with legendary rock ‘n roller Bruce Springsteen, who despite my request, did not end up playing at The Boss’s funeral.

Low of His Life: Despite the stories of charity and straightforward kindness, Steinbrenner was more well-known as a tremendous dick. He was one of the first sports team owners to garner a reputation for severely meddling with a teams day-to-day affairs, typically in a detrimental way.

Additionally, he pleaded guilty in 1974 for making illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s re-election campaign and charges of obstruction of justice. For this he was suspended for two years from Major League Baseball, a sentence that seems laughable when one recognzies The Boss actually received a lifetime ban from the game in 1990.

That’s right, the guy most NY sports fans want to be put into baseball’s Hall of Fame, got Pete Rose’d over two decades ago for paying a POS lowlife named Howie Spira $40,000 to spy on then-Yankee Dave Winfield. He was reinstated before the 1993 season, inexplicably, and undeservedly.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Jerry Jones, Mark Cuban, Daniel Snyder, miscellaneous asshole bosses who enjoy a good power trip.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Born January 1580

Died June 21st, 1631

High of his Life: Captain John Smith was an Admiral of New England, an English soldier, famous explorer of the New World and even a well-respected author. He was a major influence for Englishmen and women in the 1600s in encouraging colonization of North America.

But perhaps most importantly, over three-hundred-sixty years after his death, Smith was able to achieve that which any good hard working American wishes for themselves; he was depicted in a Disney cartoon.

Low of his Life: For a famous explorer, he sure did get captured a lot. In 1602 he was captured and sold as a slave by the Tatars (which sounds like an alien from Star Trek), in 1607 he was capturned by the Powhatans (Pocahantas’ tribe), in his 1630 novel True Travels he tells the tale of being captured by Turks in Hungary, and in 1615 he was captured by French pirates.

And not only was J.S.’s portrayal in the Disney film completely and utterly inaccurate, but historians who have reviewed Smith’s letters to Queen Anne suspect he likely just made it all up. As if living a lie wasn’t bad enough, his voice was done by Mel Gibson… and then Mel’s brother Donnie in the straight-to-DVD-sequel.

Who Sees Him As A Hero: Pocahantas, allegedly…. Zach Galifianakis, Tim Duffy, Jack Black, Richard Karn… any man rocking that big, bushy, J.S.-style beard. Also, all the other John Smiths out there, checking into Hotel Rooms, skipping out on their electric bills.

Popularity: 22% [?]

Born November 2^nd, 1795

Died June 15t, 1849

High of His Life: James K. Polk was the 11^th and perhaps most underrated President of the United States. But beforehand, he served as a Congressional representative of Tennessee (and managed to serve his term without tweeting pictures of his erect penis), spent four years as the Speaker of the House, and another three as the Governor of his home state.

His list of accomplishments as President, however, are best described in the They Might Be Giants classic song named after him:

“In four short years he met his every goal
He seized the whole southwest from Mexico
Made sure the tarriffs fell
And made the English sell the Oregon territory
He built an independent treasury
Having done all this he sought no second term”

Low of his Life: JKP kicked so much ass in his short but result-filled term that historians think it killed him. Seriously. Polk lost a ton of weight during his four years as Commander in Chief and died just three months after leaving office. This is still the record for the shortest retirement of any U.S. Prez (103 days), and also made him the youngest former Prez to die in retirement.

It’s also worth noting that Polk, listed at a generous 5”8, was the first President to have “Hail to the Chief” played when he entered a room… because nobody ever noticed when he walked in a place due to his unimpressive appearance. It’s inexplicable why they didn’t opt to play the TMBG medley instead.

Who See’s Him As a Hero: It seems like it’s just me and the guys from They Might Be Giants, though citizens of California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, and parts of New Mexico and Colorado, should be grateful to Polk, ‘cause otherwise they’d be Mexican. And on the North side, residents of Washington, Idaho, Oregon, and parts of Montana and Wyoming should also show some respect, ‘cause otherwise they’d be Canadian. Your welcome.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Born October 5^th, 1864

Died June 6^th, 1940

High of his Life: Arthur Zimmermann was the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs for the German Empire from late 1916 through most of 1917.  In his limited time holding this prestigious position, the mustached German was able to effect the Irish Rebellion, the October Revolution of Cazrist Russia, and the outcome of World War I.

It was also said that Zimmermann’s wife, Gretta Zimmerwomann, made the best Frikadellen in all of Deutschland, though all knowledgeable historians know it was actually Arthur’s recipe (he replaced the Jewish blood with Gypsy Meat).

Low of his Life – On January 16^th, 1917, Arthur sent what would be known as the “Zimmermann Telegram” to Mexico. At the time the Germans feared America would get involved in World War I, and rather than take that up with us personally, they tried to get Mexico involved… which is like if we were playing pick-up basketball, and one team picked Lebron James while the other team got Clarice Taylor. Seriously, you need something to counter America, and MEXICO was what came to mind??

Then on March 29^th, 1917, Arthur made the biggest mistake any politician stuck in a controversy can ever make; he admitted it. His telegraph is credited as one of the main, if not the main, reason for the United States involvement in World War I, which as we all know led directly to the German defeat, since the United States of America never loses at anything, ever.

Many historians believe that none of these offenses, however, compare even slightly to the monstrocity that was Arthur Zimmermann’s mustache.

He died of pneumonia in the German capital of Berlin, a sissy Old-World way of dying only socially acceptable for those characters on the old Oregon Trail computer game.

Who Sees Him As A Hero: Both of his nephews on the Washington Nationals, Geraldo Rivera

Popularity: 19% [?]

Henry Louis “Lou” Gehrig.

Born on June 19^th, 1903

Died on June 2^nd, 1941 at the age of 37.

High of his Life: Gehrig is considered one of baseball’s all-time greats, teaming up with Babe Ruth as perhaps the best 1-2 hitting combination in the history of MLB. His #4 has been retired by the New York Yankees, and his “Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth” speech is considered by many to be the most memorable in sports. The most notable achievement of his career, however, would be his 2,130 consecutive games played streak, an MLB record that would “never be broken.”

He was such a big deal in New York City that Mayor LaGuardia (who was named after the airport) ordered flags to be flown at half-staff on the day he died.

Low of his Life: Well, he died of Lou Gehrig’s disease, which in the words of Dennis Leary: “How did he not see that coming?” He was the original Scottie Pippen; a totally awesome player who should have been the best on his team, but just wasn’t. And at least Pippen knew he was playing second-fiddle to a physically superior athlete; Gehrig played back-up to a complete fat ass.

Oh, and that 2,130 game streak that would never be broken? Well it got broke, by Baltimore Oriole Cal Ripken Jr., who demolished it with 2,632.

And while this isn’t actual fact, there are a plethora of different religions and faiths that would claim that since Gehrig played his entire career for the New York Yankees, he’s now rotting in Hell. If you believe that sort of thing.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Scottie Pippen, Evgeni Malkin, Kobe Bryant, Marvin Harrison, whichever Williams sister is the uglier one… all the great sports sidekicks. And don’t forget Alois Alzheimer, Thomas Addison, Harvey Cushing, and Dr. James Parkinson. Gehrig blazed the trail for all these guys.

Popularity: 13% [?]