Born: August 6, 1911

Dead: April 26, 1989

High of Her Life: Lucille Ball has been regarded as one of the best female comedians ever and just a damn good comedian in general. I Love Lucy was one of the most popular television shows at the time and it’s still a smash hit even today with plenty of marathons and reruns on TV Land. Who can’t quote at least half a dozen episodes? Vitameatavegamin is practically an accepted word in the dictionary. Ball was also the first woman in television to be the head of a production company. Not only was she married to a sexy Cuban man, the show holds the record for longest recorded studio audience laugh in the episode “Lucy Does the Tango.” You just don’t get quality comedy like that any more.

Low of Her Life: In 1936 Ball made the mistake of registering as a Communist. Well, it wasn’t really a mistake because she was fairly outspoken about it. Not all Americans were thrilled though. Ball also had several miscarriages throughout her marriage to Desi Arnaz. In 1960 America’s favorite comedic couple filed for divorce. There was nothing funny about that.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Female comedians, red heads, our parents, and Cubans.

Born: May 27, 1971

Died: April 25, 2002

High of Her Life: Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was in one of the hottest R&B groups of the 90s. TLC had huge success with their album CrazySexyCool and they were one of the biggest female groups of all time. We all came to love and anticipate Left Eye’s raps thrown in the middle of every song. I’m sure we all know the rap part of “Waterfalls” by heart. Although tensions were high by the time of their third album, TLC was still a household name, along with Lopes’ signature condom eye-patch to promote safe sex.

Low of Her Life: Anyone who has seen TLC: Behind the Music knows the group was bankrupt after CrazySexyCool, despite it selling over 15 million copies. The group had a rough split and the other two mainly blamed Lopes. Ouch. Her solo career did okay but it didn’t meet the same success as TLC. She died after losing control of the car and ended up being the only one to die from the accident. Now that sucks big time.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Female rappers, proponents of safe sex, anybody with a lazy eye

Born: November 10, 1977

Died: December 20, 2009

High of Her Life: Although not regarded as one of the best actresses of her time, breaking into Hollywood and becoming somewhat of a household name is good enough. Her first major role was the clueless Kool-Aid dyed redhead in Clueless and despite her bitchy attitude towards Cher (“You’re a virgin who can’t drive”), we loved her anyway. But it wasn’t until 4 years later that most people started to take notice when she played a bulimic, sexually abused girl in Girl, Interrupted. The role must have gotten to her because she quickly moved on to mediocre, at best, rom-coms. But we’ll never forget that she liked getting banged by daddy.

Low of Her Life: Brittany Murphy had so much potential after Girl, Interrupted but I don’t know many who took her seriously afterward. She was a B actress at best. Another low? She dated Ashton Kutcher. I don’t think that’s something to brag about. In the early 2000s it was rumored she had a cocaine addiction after losing noticeable weight. She died of pneumonia and acute anemia, a pretty lame way for a 32-year-old to die.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Aspiring mediocre actresses, pneumonia viral cells, possibly Eminem

Born: February 11, 1847

Died: October 18, 1931

High of His Life: Years ago when someone labeled themselves as an inventor, they truly were. While today someone may have that one cool invention, inventors of the past knew what the heck they were doing and Thomas Edison was no exception. The man had 1,093 patents and we can thank him for some of the milestone inventions of the 19th century, including the phonograph, the motion picture, stock ticker, battery for an electric car, and of course the light bulb.  To say his life was a success is an understatement. Imagine a life without light!

Low of His Life: It’s hard to find a low for a man of such ingenuity. But it seems like any smart man, he was also a jerk. He gypped Nikola Tesla out of $50,000 and refused to give him a raise. After Edison’s death, Tesla noted in the New York Times that Edison had no hobby, cared for no amusement, and apparently smelled bad. Sick burn! I guess you really can’t have it all.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Inventors, GE,  and interrogation specialists

Born: May 31 1948

Died: September 25, 2980

High of His Life: John Bonham is not only regarded as one of the best drummers of all time, he was in one of the most highly regarded bands of all time, Led Zeppelin. His famous drum solo song, “Moby Dick” would often last for 30 minutes when performed live and not a single fan cared. Instead, they were awestruck. That must have been an amazing feeling to be so well loved and respected. Plus, I bet he got to sleep with any woman he wanted.

Low of His Life: Despite fame and fortune, Bonham turned to booze, for what reason I do not know. Maybe fame was too much. Maybe he contracted an STD. Whatever the reason, he had a serious drinking problem. The day he died he consumed forty shots of vodka. No person drinks that much who isn’t trying to self medicate. Choking on your own vomit is also a pretty terrible, and gross, way to die. Many wonder how long Led Zeppelin would have continued if he had not died. While fans mourn his death, we also resent him for causing the dismemberment of the band and having to listen to Robert Plant’s solo career.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Every single drummer, Moby Dick, and stoners.

Born: July 25, 1923

Died: July 22, 2008

High of Her Life: Picture it: Hollywood in the mid-80s to early 90s. A Jewish woman from New York City played a wise-cracking Sicilian mother of actress Bea Arthur, despite being one year younger. Although Estelle Getty had performed in film, television and theatre, she is best known for her role on The Golden Girls. Even though fans of the show hold each character dear to their hearts, we all anticipated what smartass comment Getty would make next. We also wondered how a woman so tiny was supposed to be the mother of a ginormous Bea Arthur. But we loved her so much anyway. We all wished she was our mother, or grandmother.

Low of Her Life: In 2000 Getty stopped making public appearances. She was misdiagnosed with both Parkinson’s disease and Alzheimer’s. Doctors later learned she suffered from Lewy body dementia, which isn’t much better. For an actress who played a woman who could recount every story of her life, this was truly a sad way to end her life. She died from natural causes, however, just three days before her 85th birthday.

Who Sees Her As a Hero: Sicilian mothers, the cast of The Golden Girls, and grandmothers

Born: September 16, 1927

Died: June 24, 2011 age 83

High of Her Life: Peter Falk was an actor of the  stage and screen in spite of the fact that his face looked all weird and lop sided. It was quite the accomplishment to be THAT funny looking and that famous but it was all thanks to that strange voice of his. His year’s as television’s Columbo permanently etched him into the psyche of American pop culture.

Low of Her Life: In the movie Woman Under the Influence Falk played a troubled dad trying to raise children in spite of the collapsing mental state of his wife. It was harrowing to say the least and it is genuinely hard to watch, so much so that it seems real. A guy who could play that so real has got to have had some pretty steep lows in his life.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Steve Buscemi, TV cops, old people.

Born January 1580

Died June 21st, 1631

High of his Life: Captain John Smith was an Admiral of New England, an English soldier, famous explorer of the New World and even a well-respected author. He was a major influence for Englishmen and women in the 1600s in encouraging colonization of North America.

But perhaps most importantly, over three-hundred-sixty years after his death, Smith was able to achieve that which any good hard working American wishes for themselves; he was depicted in a Disney cartoon.

Low of his Life: For a famous explorer, he sure did get captured a lot. In 1602 he was captured and sold as a slave by the Tatars (which sounds like an alien from Star Trek), in 1607 he was capturned by the Powhatans (Pocahantas’ tribe), in his 1630 novel True Travels he tells the tale of being captured by Turks in Hungary, and in 1615 he was captured by French pirates.

And not only was J.S.’s portrayal in the Disney film completely and utterly inaccurate, but historians who have reviewed Smith’s letters to Queen Anne suspect he likely just made it all up. As if living a lie wasn’t bad enough, his voice was done by Mel Gibson… and then Mel’s brother Donnie in the straight-to-DVD-sequel.

Who Sees Him As A Hero: Pocahantas, allegedly…. Zach Galifianakis, Tim Duffy, Jack Black, Richard Karn… any man rocking that big, bushy, J.S.-style beard. Also, all the other John Smiths out there, checking into Hotel Rooms, skipping out on their electric bills.

Born: January 19th, 1969

Dead: May 2nd, 2012

High of His Life: Junior Seau got to do what a lot of us dream of; play in the National Football League… and he did it very, very successfully. A ten-time all-pro and twelve time pro bowler, Seau was one of the leagues great all-time linebackers. He spent a majority of his career with the San Diego Chargers (not a bad place to make a living), and also spent time with the Miami Dolphins.

Low of his Life: Guy never won a ring. Despite being on some very talented San Diego teams, Seau only went to one Super Bowl as a member of the Charges… and his defense was promptly embarrassed on a global scale by Steve Young, Jerry Rice & the San Fran 49ers, giving up a Super Bowl record 49 points.

In an effort to get that elusive Super Bowl, Seau actually came out of retirement and sold his soul to play for the NFLs most evil organization, the New England Patriots, froom 2006-2009. The bad karma caught up with Seau, and the PatriRats, who never won a Championship during Seau’s tenure (or since).

The rumor at the mo’ is that Seau’s death was a suicide, which will likely be linked to the negative effects of undiagnosed concussions. So not only did he get the horrific later-in-life complications, but he’s missing out on the opportunity to sue the NFL for billions of dollars.

Born: July 18th, 1937

Died: February 20th, 2005

High of his Life: Hunter S. Thompson was the greatest manipulator of the English language in the history of man. Inventor of “Gonzo,” his own personal genre of journalism, HST wrote some of the most fantastic collections of words and phrases in the history of man. The autobiographical novel Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the gonzo journalistic book Hell’s Angels, and the collection of articles Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72 are his most celebrated. However, he’s perhaps better known for his constant nonchalant use of drugs and alcohol. The Good Doctor described himself as “a teenage girl trapped in the body of an elderly dope fiend,” a phrase that seemed to fit his lifestyle perfectly.

Looking for a good drinking game? Just type “Hunter S. Thompson quotes” into Google, then search the page for how many times the phrase “pig fucker” is used.

Low of his Life: An alcoholic and a drug addict, HST health failed him at a relatively early age, and his physical struggles led to his seemingly inevitable suicide. More notably, like most who struggle with addiction Raul Duke had a closet full of demons, many of which were thrown out into the public posthumously by Rolling Stone editor Jann Werner in the biography GONZO: The Life of Hunter S. Thompson. And like many self-destructive aritsts, the Good Doctor leaves his loyal fanbase with the heartbreaking thought of what could have been.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Journalists, politicians, writers, Ralph Steadman, Johnny Depp, and anyone who has ever truly enjoyed Las Vegas. Also, myself.