Born: August 6, 1928

Died: February 22, 1987

High of His Life: Considered to be the quintessential leader of the pop art movement, Andy Warhol was the “it guy” of his time. Besides getting to hang out with all the hottest celebrities of the time, Warhol actually got paid to paint soup cans, bananas, and celebrities…then he inverted the colors! Despite my personal dislike, the man not only had a huge influence on the art scene, but also had a cultural impact on music, film, fashion, and books. His work continues to influence people from all cultural mediums.

Low of His Life: Warhol managed to have just as many haters as lovers, claiming  his work lacked depth, meaning, or significance. In 1986, Valerie Solanas shot Warhol at his studio. Many would say, or at least I would, he became somewhat of a sellout in the 1970s when he decided to spend most of his time gathering up rich patrons to commission portraits. By the 80s, many described him as superficial and said he turned into a “business artist.”

Who Sees Him as a Hero: The Velvet Underground, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, people who use Photobooth on Macs, and failed artists everywhere

Popularity: 1% [?]

Born:  September 21, 1971

Died: February 22, 1984

High of His Life: What could I possibly say was the “high” of this poor child’s life? I’m sure if you ask a devout religious person he would say it was a miracle he was alive at all. David Vetter’s parents knew full well that if they attempted to have a child, there would be a 50% chance he would conceive SCID. Way to take the risk anyway mom and dad! A friend was sweet enough to arrange a special showing of Return of the Jedi at a local movie theater where David could attend in a transport chamber. He also got to wear a special suit developed by NASA but he only wore it 7 times before outgrowing it.

Low of His Life: Oh boy, where to begin? Let’s see…he lived in a bubble! He only knew the feeling of fresh air for 10 seconds after his birth before he entered his special chamber. David never knew the feeling of human contact, the wind blowing in his hair, the warmth of sunshine on his face, or the crunch of sand beneath his toes. Is that depressing enough for you? David put on quite the facade to the media and to others; over time he became angry and depressed, much like the bubble boy from Seinfeld.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Christians, ill children, people with souls, and hamsters.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Born April 16, ????

Died February 14, 270 (although that is up for debate)

High of His Life: There are actually 14 Saint Valentines and it’s not clear if the feast celebrates one or all the saints with the same name. Either way, all of those bastards are responsible for today’s commercialized holiday. (I can’t pretend I’m not jealous of having my own recognized holiday though.) Thanks to these martyrs, you can enjoy candy, flowers, stuffed animals, fancy dinners, and sexy lingerie on your lady…or man depending what you’re in to. The original saint supposedly restored a blind girl’s vision. I’d say that’s quite an accomplishment.

Low of His Life: Whether we’re talking about one Saint Valentine or all, each were martyred. That has to suck, even if it is for a cause. Also, they gave us this terrible horrible where people feel forced to do romantic gestures for their partners. Because of them, I’m sure countless men have been dumped because they forgot to buy a present. I’m also certain many fights were caused over lame Valentine’s Day plans.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Hopeless romantics, Catholics, Hallmark, florists, Russell Stover, and all major candy companies

Popularity: 2% [?]

Born March 26, 1874

Died January 29, 1963 (aged 88)

High of His Life: What could be more rewarding than hearing your own works quoted on the lips of every high school student and literary scholar? Robert Frost gave America, and the world, the gift of beautiful poetry that was easy to understand, yet deeply rooted in philosophical and social themes. Poetry may not be taken seriously nowadays, but people still have great admiration and respect for the classics. Poems like “Fire and Ice,” “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” and “The Road Not Taken,” will continue to be favorites of mine and hopefully every other future English major.

Low of His Life: Despite his talent and success, Robert Frost’s personal life reads like a horror story. He outlived almost everyone in his family. His father died when he was 11 and left $8 to the family. His mother died of cancer, his younger sister was committed and later died, and half his children either died or were also committed. Mental illness ran in his family and Frost himself suffered from depression. I’m surprised his poetry didn’t read like Hawthorne Heights’ lyrics and make you want to slit your wrists.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Every Lit and English major, aspiring poets, coffee shop owners, and people who want to sound intelligent by quoting famous poetry.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Born June 25, 1903

Died January 21, 1950

High of His Life: Eric Arthur Blair, known by his pen name George Orwell, is best known for the lovable dystopian novel  Nineteen Eighty-Four. Well, maybe lovable isn’t the right word, but most of us sure do enjoy the bleak and dismal society ruled by Big Brother. Thanks to the success of the novel, the man gets an adjective formed from his name. It doesn’t get any cooler than having your name added to the dictionary. His novella Animal Farm, written four years beforehand, was also widely successful. Together, they have sold more copies than any other two books by another 20th century author.

Low of His Life: With such an immense cultural impact, inspiring similar dystopian novels, music, film, and more, it’s difficult to pinpoint a low of this man’s life. I would say that despite all the homages and references, the downside is that some may have missed the point of his novel. With the recent SOPA bill floating around, clearly our own government doesn’t quite see the problem that potentially lies ahead. Orwell may have unintentionally planted a seed in some politicians’ heads. Ironically he died the same day as Vladimir Lenin.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Tom Morello and the rest of Rage Against the Machine, college students (English major included), the producers of Big Brother, and anyone who appreciates democracy.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Born January 27, 1832

Died January 14, 1898

High of His Life: It is without question that the high of his life is giving the world the drug induced children’s classic Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass. His second accomplishment? Writing the nonsensical poem “Jabberwocky” –a creature that would later give me nightmares. The rest of his life was pretty hustlin’ n’ bustlin’ writing other literature, doing photography, and inventing stuff no one really cares about. But Carroll gave the world a book that made little sense about a girl with A.D.D who talked to a cat with no body, people with a serious tea addiction, and a Queen obsessed with the guillotine. The book has inspired numerous film adaptions, tea houses, and a group of adults obsessed with all things Wonderland.

Low of His Life: Besides creating somewhat unintended attention from the books, Lewis Carroll’s legacy has been marred by rumors of pedophilia. Whether they’re true or not, many lean towards perv. He did after all have a thing for taking nude photographs of little girls. You can’t really argue with that. Also, I’m forced to see women dress up like a slutty version of young Alice every year for Halloween. Hmm…maybe Carroll would have enjoyed that….

Who Sees Him As a Hero: People on LSD, Tim Burton, anyone who ever did a remake, pedophiles, and tea whores.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Born December 8, 1765

Died January 8, 1825

High of His Life: Despite having quite a few inventions under his belt, the only thing we remember from Elementary school is the cotton gin. Thanks to this nifty device, he turned cotton into an immensely profitable crop, strengthening our economy and turning a painstakingly tedious process into less of an annoyance. It was also a key invention for the Industrial Revolution. (I’m sure we’re all thankful for cozy cotton shirts instead of itchy wool.) Despite being inaccurately credited for the invention of interchangeable parts, it’s still something to add to his list, along with the milling machine.

Low of His Life: Although the cotton gin increased the cotton industry and turned quite a nice profit, the invention subsequently strengthened slavery, despite what one might think. Now that it was easier to produce cotton, demand skyrocketed and so did the need for slavery in the South. Whitney also had to deal with a ton of legal battles over patent infringement and barely turned a profit from his invention. Poor guy just can’t catch a break.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Industrialists, the entire South, and Fruit of the Loom. I’m sure we can all surmise which people didn’t see him as a hero…yeah you’re all thinking it too.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Editor's Note: Gerard Butler is NOT Leonidas. Gerard Butler is still alive.

Born circa 540 BC

Died August 11, 480 BC

High of His Life: Rumored to be a descendant of Heracles, King Leonidas was just pure badass for the entirety of his life. With only a small army of Greeks, he fought ferociously and bravely against the much larger Persian army of Xerxes at the pass of Thermopylae during the Persian War. Despite a foreboding message from the creepy oracles molesting a young girl, Leonidas went to battle anyway…oh wait that was in the movie. Actually the real Leonidas did see an oracle who more or less gave the same warning, possibly molestation free. I’m sure he also got to bang a lot of hot women and he died an epic death.

Low of His Life: I bet many Spartans weren’t thrilled with his decision to fight the Persians since they were grossly outnumbered and sacrifice men’s lives. The Greeks were unable to retrieve Leonidas’ body and it was most likely crucified, beheaded, or mangled. His mother was also his father’s niece meaning his father was his uncle and his mother was his cousin. That might screw with your head, or your genes.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Gerard Butler, the Greeks, and douche bags who think they’re as badass and epic as he was. News flash, you’re not.

Popularity: 28% [?]

Born: December 29, 1956

Died: June 24, 2006 aged 49

High of Her Life: Mother of famed daughter JonBenet, Patsy really had no “high” of her life to speak of, unless you count living vicariously through your daughter. She did however win the title of Miss West Virginia beauty title in 1977 and I bet that was the only good thing in her life up until her sister won the same title three years later and she was immediately snubbed by her parents.

Low of Her Life: Her daughter was murdered at the mere age of six. Considering the fact that we all know she did it, this could also be considered the high of her life since she successfully completed the murder and got away with it. But on a serious note, she spent the last ten years of her life defending her innocence and later contracted ovarian cancer which led to her death in 2006.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Parents looking to murder their children for wetting the bed and get away with it, OJ Simpson, and parents who think it’s okay to parade your child around in beauty pageants.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Leonard B. Stern

Born December 23, 1923

Died June 7, 2011, aged 87

High of His Life: The name might not sound familiar, but his ____ (noun) is known to us all. Stern was an American screenwriter, film and television producer, director, and one of the ____ (adjective) creators of the amazing pastime, Mad Libs –along with Roger Price. Stern was born in ____ (place) and ____ (verb ending in -ed) at NYU. He wrote for many classic TV shows such as Get Smart, The Honeymooners, and Steve Allen’s Tonight Show. Despite working on over ____ (number) famous shows and movies, we all know the most brilliant highlight of his career was teaming up with Roger Price and ____ (verb ending in -ing) Mad Libs. The popular ____ (noun) was created in 1953 and is still played today, even by ____ (derogatory noun) like myself.

Low of His Life: He tried to write a novel and went ____ (adjective).   Another time he got so ____ (adjective) that he told a child’s ____ (noun) to take a ____ (noun) and stick it up her ____ (part of the body).

Who Sees Him as a Hero: ____ (adjective) children, ____ (male celebrity), your mom, and that guy who likes to ____ (verb) at the children who hang out in front of the ____ (location).

Popularity: 9% [?]