Born May 21, 1971

Dead March 12, 1997

High of His Life: In his short life Notorious B.I.G. born Christopher Wallace had some amazing highs. From the release of two classic albums to numerous hit singles, in fact some of the best songs ever. His remarkable talent got him everything he ever wanted fame and riches but there was one thing that beat them all. He admitted he was ugly and fat, how could he not, and yet through his talent, money and above all his charisma he managed to bag tons of women and become the envy of many of his peers. For anyone self conscious about their weight this is the ultimate revenge.

Low of His Life: Of course a kid from the streets with a weight problem is also going to have some crushing lows and while he did not see McDonalds end their Super-Size promotion(for this may have killed had bullets not) there are many things we could call his worst moment. He was gunned down brutally at a young age but for a person already certain he would die an early death this is likely not the low of his life.

No, for Biggie the low had to be “Hit Em Up” by Tupac. That song a brutalizing attack on the Notorious B.I.G. must have really stung with scorching lines like “You claim to be a player, But I fucked your wife, We bust on Bad Boys, niggas fucked for Life.” Ouch.

People Who See Him as a Hero: Jay-Z, Eminem, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, basically every other rapper, Jesse Pinkman, fat people everywhere, and so many more people.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Born (left to right in the photo)

J.P “The Big Bopper” Richardson October 24, 1930,

Buddy Holly September 7, 1936,

Richie Valens May 13, 1941

Died February 3, 1959

High of Their Lives: The three singer/songwriters listed  here were Rock n’Roll heroes that would inspire generations simply by being white(or white-ish, Valens) and singing music influenced by black people but mostly sucked dry of all the sexual innuendo that such music had heretofore included. That all said they’re responsible for some of the best songs ever. They were the heirs to the explosion of white cultural theft begun by Elvis Presley and they wielded that power with purpose. They toured the nation playing to screaming teenagers. They recorded some of the most beloved songs of their era. In the process they became legends and the subjects of two movies(the Buddy Holly focused The Buddy Holly Story and the Valens focused La Bamba, sorry Big Bopper). Clearly they were very important people.

Low of Their Lives: Of course, then they got on that dumb single engine plane and it literally all came crashing down. We would never again hear the Spanglish song stylings of Richie Valens, we would never again marvel at the classic fat-guy voice of the Big Bopper, and we would have to wait decades for Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo to excise the aesthetic of Buddy Holly and participate in a repeated public molestation of the character he once cut.

They call it “The Day The Music Died” but of course music as it were stuck around for a while afterwards. In fact that music did not die with these three is probably their greatest failure. Their death and music’s continued existence ensured that “American Pie” Don McLean’s insufferable ‘tribute’ to these guys be birthed. The result is a totally inappropriately rowdy and inescapable sing along.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Anyone wearing thick framed glasses as a fashion statement, Arthur Fonzarelli, and rebellious (but not too rebellious) white kids everywhere.

Popularity: 25% [?]

Born May 1, 1980

Died January 13, 2010

High of His Life: Jay Reatard spent most of his short life attempting to perfect tightly contained chaos in catchy punk rock songs. The goal proved to be a fruitful one when in 2005 he actually did exactly that. His solo debut Blood Visions was not so much a first record as a culmination of the talent he had shown in his previous bands(Lost Sounds, The Reatards, etc.). The record was an ideal slab of punk rock for anyone who knew anything of such pursuits.

Over the ensuing months Reatard’s notoriety and bank account would grow and he would be offered the chance to expand beyond his punk rock goals. Which is all any artist ever really wants.

Low of His Life: Success of course is always a double edged sword and the unruly nature of Jay Reatard became a bit of a source of both infamy and idolized punk rock credentials. He kicked fans in the front row, feuded with band mates, brought under age girls back to hotel rooms to take acid with him. Things got messy and the lows seemed to be coming directly on the back of all of the heights.

Of course the last public missive in Jay Reatard oeuvre was a Tweet. Not some funny tweet or a touching tweet. It was a Tweet (This Tweet) where Jay Reatard offered his fans money to vandalize the van of a rival punk band. No one ever did that requested act of vandalism and two days later Jay Reatard was dead.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Ty Segal, anyone making anything even sort of like punk rock, misanthropes, me.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Born March 5, 1910

Died January 5, 2007

High of His Life: We all know the famous Cup O’ Noodle soup. A staple of diets for anyone living in a rush or on a budget. Well, Momofuku Ando was the man who brought these high sodium treats to the masses. At first he simply sold bagged pre-cooked ramen, however it is likely that his greatest achievement was finding a self contained polystyrene cup to contain said noodles in. From then on the cups became a staple prop along with sweat pants and acne of the college set and a source of carbs, salt and not much else for people committed to a shoe string budget.

Low of His Life: About a half hour after shoveling a pile of these salty noodles down your neck you are likely feeling pretty much like a polystyrene cup full of shit yourself. For me, owing to high blood pressure, I almost immediately feel the vein in my head begin to throb and I get an almost instantaneous sodium based headache that very little can be done to fix. Momofuku being human likely also had these problems. A low of almost anyone’s life.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Hot Pocket inventors Paul Merage and David Merage, the developers of Lipitor, college students, and fat people with a death wish.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Born February 24, 1955

Died October 5, 2011

High of His Life: You are reading a blog at least in part because a guy named Steve Jobs decided computers were a thing people might want to have. Plain and simple. Your life has been forever altered by Steve Jobs. As a result he got the full on asshole license that comes with being a truly world changing historical figure.

Getting the asshole pass is of course the greatest achievement one can obtain in this life. With the invention of the first affordable home computer Steve Jobs got the asshole pass for life. But he would not rest there. He redesigned that computer into something aesthetically pleasing, giving his asshole pass a late in life renewal.  Then he invented the iPod, upon which his asshole pass was given black-card status. Then he changed movies with Pixar. (In a way he’s the reason you were in tears during Up.) He changed the way music was sold with iTunes. He shoved the internet in people’s pockets with the iPhone. After all of that he just decided to make the crazy Star Trek machine that is the iPad. He won the fight to be the biggest asshole of his generation and if his affinity for black turtlenecks is any indication he took that title to the grave with him.

Low of His Life: Repeatedly in his life Steve Jobs was reminded that no one could do what he did better. He was squeezed out of Mac in the 80′s and watched the company nearly get run into the ground by the late 90′s. He got back in and saved the thing making it better than ever. Then he retired this year. Earlier this week with the wet-fart announcement of the iPhone 4S, as apposed to a new iPhone 5 it was once again displayed that puny people who are not Steve Jobs simply can not ever get things done as effectively as guys who are Steve Jobs.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, anyone trying to make money selling music, anyone trying to make money at all really, nerds.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Born June 16, 1971

Died September 13, 1996

High of His Life: Tupac was clearly a talented and deep thinker who also happened to be great at rap music. Through his music he outlined his struggles in the world and became a legend in hip-hop and in American culture in general.

Apparently though his greatest achievement was his unending bromance with star Tony “Who’s The Boss?” Danza. Tony wrote a letter to Tupac while he was in jail. Apparently one letter lead to another and before you knew it the untold love story of the century began. We can only hope that someday a filmmaker comes along and dramatizes the Tony Danza/Tupac Shakur friendship in made for  Grey Gardens-esque TV movie.

Low of His Life: He’s no Biggie. Sure, Tupac was a deep thinker and a skilled poet with a sharp wit but the shear immediacy and ear pounding joy of a Biggie verse is untoppable, even by Tupac. I am confident that my horse in the old race Biggie is still slaying Tupac at rap battles in the sky. Or maybe they hang out. Mysteries of the universe right?

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Any rapper who claims to be starting a “movement.” So I guess all of them.

Popularity: 25% [?]

Born August 23, 1946

Died September 7, 1978

High of His Life: The spastic drums on the Who’s debut single “I Can’t Explain”, his shocking and fiery performance of “A Quick One While He’s Away” from the Rolling Stones’ Rock And Roll Circus, the invention of stadium rock with “Baba O’Reilly”, there are many moments in Keith Moon’s musical career that drummers for decades would emulate and envy. Still no moment spoke more to his rock and roll spirit than the fact that in hotel after hotel that Keith and the rest of the Who stayed in Keith would blow up the toilets. He’d use cherry bombs and eventually stepped up to M-80s. As those lost their luster and his star power allowed him to get stronger shit he moved onto dynamite. He also once drove a Cadillac(or to his recollection a Lincoln Continental) into a hotel pool.

Yes, you may be repeatedly voted the second or first best drummer of all time, but the high of your rock career is always the path of destruction you leave.

Low of His Life: Keith’s Wikipedia page has several sections to it. There is the obvious “early musical career”, “With the Who”, and all the usual stuff. There is also a section entitled “Recklessness”, which is cool for all the aforementioned reasons. That section however has a subsection entitled simply “Passing out on stage.” Not really words you want associated with your career as a musician.

So in spite of his indomitable spirit, his excellent records, and his status as a rock legend it is likely that more than a few of us have uncles and dads who will say things like, “I went to see the Who, they weren’t that great. Keith Moon couldn’t even play the damn drums he was so fucked up.”  Stuff no one says about John Bonham.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Aldous Snow, any rock drummer anywhere, people rationalizing a reckless life style as part of their job.

Popularity: 30% [?]

Born: January 8, 1935

Died: August 16, 1977

High of His Life: Elvis Presley made Rock N’ Roll into a massive phenomena. Of course most folks say the cultural seeds had been sewed for a long time and it could have been a number of folks but in the end it was Elvis. As a result he managed to become a cultural milestone in the history of an entire planet. He was able to try his hand at movies and make a few separate comebacks(possibly the first “comeback” in pop-culture history). He begat the Beatles, he made crumby movies, he made women scream and dance and think differently about black people. He changed the whole world with songs about shoes and sex and singing and dancing while in jail. Seems like he got pretty high…

Low of His Life: …but then he got even higher. He took prescription meds by the handful and ate deep fried everything. He got bloated and lost the respect of the Rock inteligencia. He kept yearning for the respect and love of everyone, which is a losing combination in life. Somehow that reach made him less and less appealing to many people. He died on a toilet, fat, and worst of all sad, somehow unsatisfied with one of the most cataclysmic lives of the 20th century. That is pretty low.

Who Sees Him As A Hero: Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, Michael Jackson, anyone who can be easily seen as a mega-star.

For more Elvis check out Daily Top Songs.

Popularity: 22% [?]

Born October 5, 1957

Dead August 9, 2008

High of His Life: Bernie Mac was a really great often under appreciated comic. With the Original Kings of Comedy he was in one of the most successful stand-up comedy tours of all time. His appearances in the Ocean’s 11 film and it’s subsequent sequels brought him even wider recognition and got him into several other films.

His greatest achievement though was his Fox television series aptly called The Bernie Mac Show. The show was a classic sitcom part Malcolm In The Middle part The Cosby Show and it was successful and consistently funny.

Low of His Life: The posthumously released Soul Men should have been a big move for Bernie Mac, instead it was a lackluster affair. Still the true low of his life was probably an insensitive joke that I made at his expense on the day of his death in 2008. I am not proud of this but I tweeted: “Ocean’s 14: Weekend At Bernie Mac’s.” It was tasteless and I would like to apologize publicly here. I assure you this was not just an excuse to retype that joke.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: The cast and creators of Modern Family, comics everywhere, anyone who has ever used the phrase “I’m a grown-ass man.”

Popularity: 32% [?]

Born August 1, 1942

Dead August 9, 1995

High of His Life: Jerry Garcia was obviously an accomplished musician revered by millions of obsessive fans. To this day his band the Grateful Dead’s entire catalog of concerts is widely traded and disseminated by a certain kind of music fan(those on drugs, or who like to reminisce about having been on drugs).  The greatest Grateful Dead show of all time is a huge sticking point for these hippie nerds and so to say a true musical high of his life is probably very difficult.

The actual “high” of his life was probably a speed ball. You see a speed ball is the combination of heroin and cocaine taken at the same time. In theory this ultimate upper/downer combo should cancel each other out, instead it creates the feeling that a humans existence is splitting into and revealing God in a gigantic burst within one’s self… Basically you get really really fucking high.

Low of His Life: All those hippies. Look, being a rock star is great and all but my god to look at your fans as a reflection of what you put into the world must have been stomach churning for ol’ Jerry, except he was probably too fucked up most of the time to probably realize what a bunch of literally “dead” heads were following him every where he went. And by the way does heroine negate one’s sense of smell? If not I would imagine every concert was like sticking one’s head in a sweaty pair of jeans that had been unwashed for a decade or more. Either way… long strange trip yadda yadda…

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Phish, Ben and Jerry, hippies everywhere and very funny comic Matt McCarthy who posts his videos on Facebook all the time.

Popularity: 19% [?]