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Steve Jobs DEAD October 5, 2011

Born February 24, 1955

Died October 5, 2011

High of His Life: You are reading a blog at least in part because a guy named Steve Jobs decided computers were a thing people might want to have. Plain and simple. Your life has been forever altered by Steve Jobs. As a result he got the full on asshole license that comes with being a truly world changing historical figure.

Getting the asshole pass is of course the greatest achievement one can obtain in this life. With the invention of the first affordable home computer Steve Jobs got the asshole pass for life. But he would not rest there. He redesigned that computer into something aesthetically pleasing, giving his asshole pass a late in life renewal. Then he invented the iPod, upon which his asshole pass was given black-card status. Then he changed movies with Pixar. (In a way he’s the reason you were in tears during Up.) He changed the way music was sold with iTunes. He shoved the internet in people’s pockets with the iPhone. After all of that he just decided to make the crazy Star Trek machine that is the iPad. He won the fight to be the biggest asshole of his generation and if his affinity for black turtlenecks is any indication he took that title to the grave with him.

Low of His Life: Repeatedly in his life Steve Jobs was reminded that no one could do what he did better. He was squeezed out of Mac in the 80′s and watched the company nearly get run into the ground by the late 90′s. He got back in and saved the thing making it better than ever. Then he retired this year. Earlier this week with the wet-fart announcement of the iPhone 4S, as apposed to a new iPhone 5 it was once again displayed that puny people who are not Steve Jobs simply can not ever get things done as effectively as guys who are Steve Jobs.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, anyone trying to make money selling music, anyone trying to make money at all really, nerds.

Popularity: 21% [?]

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Tupac Shakur DEAD September 13, 1996

Born June 16, 1971

Died September 13, 1996

High of His Life: Tupac was clearly a talented and deep thinker who also happened to be great at rap music. Through his music he outlined his struggles in the world and became a legend in hip-hop and in American culture in general.

Apparently though his greatest achievement was his unending bromance with star Tony “Who’s The Boss?” Danza. Tony wrote a letter to Tupac while he was in jail. Apparently one letter lead to another and before you knew it the untold love story of the century began. We can only hope that someday a filmmaker comes along and dramatizes the Tony Danza/Tupac Shakur friendship in made for Grey Gardens-esque TV movie.

Low of His Life: He’s no Biggie. Sure, Tupac was a deep thinker and a skilled poet with a sharp wit but the shear immediacy and ear pounding joy of a Biggie verse is untoppable, even by Tupac. I am confident that my horse in the old race Biggie is still slaying Tupac at rap battles in the sky. Or maybe they hang out. Mysteries of the universe right?

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Any rapper who claims to be starting a “movement.” So I guess all of them.

Popularity: 25% [?]

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Elvis Presley DEAD August 16, 1977

Born: January 8, 1935

Died: August 16, 1977

High of His Life: Elvis Presley made Rock N’ Roll into a massive phenomena. Of course most folks say the cultural seeds had been sewed for a long time and it could have been a number of folks but in the end it was Elvis. As a result he managed to become a cultural milestone in the history of an entire planet. He was able to try his hand at movies and make a few separate comebacks(possibly the first “comeback” in pop-culture history). He begat the Beatles, he made crumby movies, he made women scream and dance and think differently about black people. He changed the whole world with songs about shoes and sex and singing and dancing while in jail. Seems like he got pretty high…

Low of His Life: …but then he got even higher. He took prescription meds by the handful and ate deep fried everything. He got bloated and lost the respect of the Rock inteligencia. He kept yearning for the respect and love of everyone, which is a losing combination in life. Somehow that reach made him less and less appealing to many people. He died on a toilet, fat, and worst of all sad, somehow unsatisfied with one of the most cataclysmic lives of the 20th century. That is pretty low.

Who Sees Him As A Hero: Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, Michael Jackson, anyone who can be easily seen as a mega-star.

For more Elvis check out Daily Top Songs.

Popularity: 22% [?]

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Jim Morrison DEAD July 3, 1971

Born: December 8, 1943

Died: July 3, 1971

High of Her Life: As a singer Jim Morrison fundamentally stinks, but not in any particularly offensive way. As a songwriter he also stinks, though many folks have celebrated him as a “poet” his lyrics were junk. Still that he could parlay bad singing and worse poetry into being a celebrated Rock and Roll martyr is an achievement.

Personally I would say his high point is the schmaltzy “Touch Me” a song in which Jim Morrison invents Vegas Elvis before he existed. The song is the height of the Doors’ career because it is the only song they ever made smart enough to be dumb.

Low of Her Life: Jim Morrison was kind enough to die in a bathtub in Paris. But his true low was the fact that his gross and obnoxious fans were such scumbags that he was removed from his burial plot due to their vandalism. Shitty people attract shitty people, it is a vicious cycle.

Who Sees Her As a Hero: Iggy Pop, bad poets everywhere, leather pant retailers.

Popularity: 16% [?]

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Kevin ‘GG’ Allin DEAD June 28, 1993

Born: August 29, 1956

Died: June 28, 1993 aged 36

High of Her Life: Born Jesus Christ Allin, yup, you can pretty much put the high point right there. How does one live up to the given name Jesus Christ? Well when you are Jesus Christ Allin, later changed by his mother to Kevin James Allin, you simply never try. After being bestowed with that name it was all child abuse and Lyme disease for young GG Allin(so named because his brother, unable to pronounce Jesus, used to call him Jeje).

Low of Her Life: But oh those crazy lows, were so purposefully low that they might almost classify as highs. GG Allin was in a collection of some of the best worst named rock bands in history; the Murder Junkies, the Carolina Shitkickers, the Scumfucks, Bulge, the Toilet Rockers, Bloody Mess and the Scabs, and of course the Texas Nazis. The song titles were even better bad titles: “Hard Candy Cock,” “Drink Fight And Fuck,” “I’m Gonna Rape You,” “Sluts In The City,” “Eat My Diarrhea,” “Expose Yourself To Kids,” and many many more.

Off stage GG Allin abused any and all sorts of drugs available, being particularly fond of booze and heroin. On stage Allin abused laxatives to “explosive” results, often shitting all over himself the stage and the audience. He regularly promised on stage suicides but always found himself in prison on said nights. Allin was arrested for rape and torture in 1989. He claimed the woman to be a willing participant and even admitted to cutting and burning her, and drinking her blood. He said she did the same. He was imprisoned from December ’89 through March ’91, and managed to write a book while in prison.

After prison Allin made appearances on Geraldo and Jerry Springer. In 1993 he died of a simple run of the mill heroin overdose. An almost slight end to such a scarily dangerous career. His open casket funeral(in which morticians were told to not use makeup or clean the corpse, which wreaked of feces) is now widely available on DVDs and the internet. His grave calls him a “Rock N Roll Terrorist.”

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Roy Ziegler, Steve O, anyone who has ever put a swear word in a band name or defecated in public for fun.

For more music writing including articles about Fucked Up, 2Pac and the Crucifucks check out This Great Blog.

Popularity: 23% [?]

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Peter Falk DEAD June 24, 2011

Born: September 16, 1927

Died: June 24, 2011 age 83

High of Her Life: Peter Falk was an actor of the stage and screen in spite of the fact that his face looked all weird and lop sided. It was quite the accomplishment to be THAT funny looking and that famous but it was all thanks to that strange voice of his. His year’s as television’s Columbo permanently etched him into the psyche of American pop culture.

Low of Her Life: In the movie Woman Under the Influence Falk played a troubled dad trying to raise children in spite of the collapsing mental state of his wife. It was harrowing to say the least and it is genuinely hard to watch, so much so that it seems real. A guy who could play that so real has got to have had some pretty steep lows in his life.

Who Sees Her as a Hero: Steve Buscemi, TV cops, old people.

Popularity: 16% [?]

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Ezra Fitch DEAD June 16, 1930

Posted by TimD in Celebrity Fashion | Celebrity Gossip - (0 Comments)

Born September 21, 1865

Died June 16, 1930 aged 65

High of His Life: As a man of the late 19th and early 20th centuries Ezra Fitch enjoyed many of the finer things in life. He fished and hunted in his families estate. He went to law school and was a real estate developer in New York when there was still real estate to develop. In 1882 Fitch became an avid customer of the “excursion store” Abercrombie Co. operated by David Abercrombie. Eventually by 1900 Fitch had talked his way into a partnership with Abercrombie in selling hunting and fishing clothes to various fancy pants elites. By 1907 Fitch, who was clearly a son-of-a-bitch, had weaseled Abercrombie out of the company all together and began a concerted and successful effort to expand the company to more of the general public.

Fitch having managed to live his entire life without ever having to worry about money died on his yacht in 1930.

Low of His Life: A rich guy who never had even a moment of doubt or trouble in his life, seems possible the Fitch never had a low. That said it must trouble him a little that the company he bought into because it sold gentlemanly hunting and fishing clothes now generally services frat boys and date rapists.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Frat boys and date rapists.

Popularity: 16% [?]

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Ray Charles DEAD June 10, 2004

Born September 23, 1930

Died June 10, 2004 Aged 74

High of His Life: Ray Charles was one of the most respected and accomplished singers and musicians of the twentieth century. He had dozens of hit songs and is credited as one of the founders of Rock & Roll music. In 1954 he turned a song about Jesus into a song about a sexually generous woman assuring his place in the guy’s who make messed up shit seem cool pantheon.

His groundbreaking fusion of country songs into Rhythm and Blues song structure, Modern Sounds In Country And Western Music, changed the way the world saw Rock music and garnered a Grammy nomination for Album of the Year. Posthumously his album Genius Loves Company would win Album of the Year over Green Day and Kanye West in 2005, which is totally weird.

Low of His Life: Dude was blind. It is amazing that he was able to manage a life long career in spite of this short coming but boy that has to be the pits. I just covered my eyes for three minutes and nearly leaped out of my skin. Being a junkie couldn’t have been too awesome either, though being a rich junkie is the best way to try on the intravenous drug route still doesn’t seem so cool.

But if I really had to pin point what the low point of this blind, oppressed, womanizing, drug addicted, orphan it would have to be his four appearances on the television show The Nanny. For a blind person with a heightened sense of hearing being in the same room as the voice of Fran Dreshcer must have been nightmarish. What’s worse the writers of the show expected Americans to believe Ray Charles was not Ray Charles in these episodes but instead a character named “Sammy.”

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Billy Joel, John Legend, the Blind Boys of Alabama, functional drug addicts everywhere.

Popularity: 11% [?]

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Steve Jobs DEAD October 5, 2011

Tupac Shakur DEAD September 13, 1996

Elvis Presley DEAD August 16, 1977

Jim Morrison DEAD July 3, 1971

Kevin ‘GG’ Allin DEAD June 28, 1993

Peter Falk DEAD June 24, 2011

Ezra Fitch DEAD June 16, 1930

Ray Charles DEAD June 10, 2004

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