If you're dead, you're doomed
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jackie gleasonBorn: February 26,1916

Dead: June 24, 1987

High of his Life: I think being on one of the most acclaimed sitcoms of all-time, The Honeymooners, garners some credibility. That, along with his contributions to the Smokey and the Bandit movies. He was a smart business man and owned percentages of all his shows. Although he is mostly beloved as a comedic actor with a short fuse, he had his stint as dramatic actor. He got acclaim for the movies The Hustler and Requiem for a Heavyweight (no pun intended- he’s not actually the boxer, but fat jokes were bound to come).

His catchphrase, “One of these days, Alice, pow right in the kisser,” would become the silver-lining for abusive spouses the world ’round.

Low of his Life: He was a chain-smoker, consuming about five packs a day. He was also quite fond of his alcohol. The combination plus a few unexplained late nights led not only to two failed marriages but to a myriad of complications including diabetes, liver and colon cancer, phlebitis, and thrombosed hemorrhoids. Talk about having some serious medical baggage. I guess it was a good thing he had the money to pay for that bill, but still, having all of those conditions at one time has to suck.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Over-the-hill comedians, war vets, and other really old people.

Popularity: 12% [?]

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Born March 6, 1923

Died June 23, 2009 aged 86

High of His Life: Ed McMahon was a broadcasting legend and he did it all while barely stepping out of the shadow of his boss. He was Johnny Carson’s sidekick for thirty years, in the eyes and dreams of most Americans on a nightly basis without any of the pressure that has been known to make late night talk show hosts dark monsters when the cameras turn off. He is really the Ringo of American comedy legends, he provided a good beat (in his classically rendered but impossible to recreate in text laugh), smiled politely, and got his name out there.

McMahon was also the host of Star Search making him something like Simon Cowel’s kindly broadcasting grandfather.

Low of His Life: As the face of Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes for decades McMahon, unlike his insular and well guarded boss, was forced to hoist novelty checks into a van and visit actual people at their actual homes. Seems gross and he did over and over again.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Andy Richter, Robim, Hank Kingsley, Joe Biden.

 

Popularity: 13% [?]

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Born May 12, 1937

Died June 22, 2008 aged 71

High of His Life: George Carlin is undeniably one of the most significant comics in history. He was, along with Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce, one of the first comedians to move from a set-up punchline style of comedy to a more conversational and far darker style. His style of complaining about social norms and politics, occasionally rattled the status-quo. One of his routines “Seven Dirty Words” became a center piece in a Supreme Court case in which the right of  the government to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves.

He won five best comedy album Grammy Awards. He was the first host of Saturday Night Live. Add to that his appearance in the cult classic Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and you have yourself a pretty good career.

Low of His Life: Sadly though, George Carlin kept going. From the moment he started it appeared that for Carlin getting increasingly negative was his comedy evolution. As a result each couple of years he would put  out a special with less and less humor and more and more vitriol. By his last special it seemed clear that Carlin didn’t want to live at all. As a result his death almost felt like a relief. Not to him but to people who respected him. It saved us all from having to sit through another special where he told us all how dumb we were and how useless everything is.

Sometimes you go out on the top, and sometimes you just go out.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Misanthropes, Doug Stanhope, Marc Maron, old people who hate life but are too afraid to kill themselves

 

Popularity: 6% [?]

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Born June 11, 1977

Died June 20, 2011 aged 34

High of His Life: Ryan Dunn was a Jackass, in literally the best possible way. He hurt himself for public amusement and it worked. He was a beloved figure of fun and frolic just like the rest of his cohorts in the Jackass films and television series.

His most infamous moment appears in Jackass: The Movie the first in an incredibly lucrative string of films. In the film he shoved a toy car in a heavily lubricated condom up his rectum. He then went to a doctor for an x-ray complaining of pain in his tailbone. It was inspired trash. The kind of inspired trash that we will now miss with his untimely passing.

Low of His Life: After a life spent hurting himself and doing epic acts of stupidity Ryan Dunn has sadly managed to die because of drunk driving. A true tragedy.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Internet celebrities, aspiring Jackasses, people who’s cultural cognizance cuts off around 2002.

 

Popularity: 14% [?]

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Born September 23, 1930

Died June 10, 2004 Aged 74

High of His Life: Ray Charles was one of the most respected and accomplished singers and musicians of the twentieth century. He had dozens of hit songs and is credited as one of the founders of Rock & Roll music. In 1954 he turned a song about Jesus into a song about a sexually generous woman assuring his place in the guy’s who make messed up shit seem cool pantheon.

His groundbreaking fusion of country songs into Rhythm and Blues song structure, Modern Sounds In Country And Western Music, changed the way the world saw Rock music and garnered a Grammy nomination for Album of the Year. Posthumously his album Genius Loves Company would win Album of the Year over Green Day and Kanye West in 2005, which is totally weird.

Low of His Life: Dude was blind. It is amazing that he was able to manage a life long career in spite of this short coming but boy that has to be the pits. I just covered my eyes for three minutes and nearly leaped out of my skin. Being a junkie couldn’t have been too awesome either, though being a rich junkie is the best way to try on the intravenous drug route still doesn’t seem so cool.

But if I really had to pin point what the low point of this blind, oppressed, womanizing, drug addicted, orphan it would have to be his four appearances on the television show The Nanny. For a blind person with a heightened sense of hearing being in the same room as the voice of Fran Dreshcer must have been nightmarish. What’s worse the writers of the show expected Americans to believe Ray Charles was not Ray Charles in these episodes but instead a character named “Sammy.”

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Billy Joel, John Legend, the Blind Boys of Alabama, functional drug addicts everywhere.

 

Popularity: 10% [?]

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Clarice Taylor.

Born September 20th, 1917

Died May 30th, 2011 at the age of 93

High of her life: Well let’s just say it, making it to 93 is a feat in and of it’s self, so let us applaud the general health of Mrs. Taylor and the fortitude of whatever medical professionals were keeping her heart beating all these years. Clarice Taylor appeared in television shows like Sesame Street, where she played David’s grandmother Harriet and had guest spots in Ironside, Sanford and Son, and Spenser for Hire.

Of course her absolute career highlight is as the eldest matriarch of the Huxtable family from the 80′s into the 90′s on The Cosby Show.  On the show “Grandma Huxtable” could sass ol’ Heathcliff Huxtable(Bill Cosby himself) in ways only a mother could, and Bill had the over exaggerated facial expressions to prove it.

Low of her life: Prior to arriving on Sesame Street in 1976 Clarice had a career in something called “the theater” which if I understand “acting” is the lowliest form of the art. She was in a bunch of plays that are not even available on DVD! That seems like a real bumb racket. Having been born in 1917, this means she spent the first 60 years of her life doing “work” of very little value, though since no one can go back in time and check for ourselves we can not confirm or deny this.

Her most recent performance was in the 1995 indie film Smoke which featured Harvey Keitel but in a rare instance NOT his penis. This means not only did she faily to act along side Keitel’s member but she hasn’t worked in the entertainment business in 16 years. This clearly suggests she was either a communist, a sexual deviant, or incredibly difficult to work with.

Who Sees Her As A Hero: Evelyn Harper, Rudy Huxtable, anybody above the age of 40 who still hopes to “make it” in the entertainment industry.

Popularity: 24% [?]

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