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Joe Paterno DEAD January 22, 2012

Posted by EricM in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born December 21st, 1926

Died January 22, 2012

High of his Life: Joseph Vincent “Joe” Paterno was the head coach of the Penn State football team from 1965 until 2011. He is arguablly the greatest college coach of all time, in all sports, coaching five undefeated teams, becoming the only coach with over 400 victories, and winning a pair of national championships. He’s also a member of the College Football Hall of Fame and holds the record for the most victories by an NCAA Division 1 Football coach with 409.

JoePa’s accomplishments extend beyond the gridiron, however. Paterno put a heavy emphasis on his players graduating, and his rosters consistently ranked above the D-1 average in GPA and graduation rate. He was the first college football coach to be named SI’s “Sportsman of the Year,” and also received the NCAA Gerald R. Ford Award as recently as 2011. Most notable is that the library at PSU bears his name, as Paterno and his wife Sue personally donated over $4 million to help expand it.

As Bill Lyon often wrote, “the least important thing Joe Paterno did was coach football.”

Low of his Life: Up until recently, the low of Paterno’s life was the time he had to leave the football field in the middle of a game because it appeared he had pooped his pants. That was before the Sandusky Scandal, which has altered Paterno’s legacy forever.

JoePa built the Penn State football program on the idea that collegiate athletics should find “Success with Honor.”  That mantra took a serious hit when it was revealed Paterno knew his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was banging little kids in the Penn State lockerroom, and the old head coach knew about it as far back as 2002, and likely as far back as 1998, yet did the bare minimum. And they still let the diddler use school facilities and watch games from the Presidents box as recently as this past season.

Joe Paterno did a lot of truly incredibly, philanthropic deeds that should be applauded. But the fact remains that when given the opportunity to stop the horrible inhumane actions of someone he was close with, he failed miserably. Because of this, it is the things Paterno DIDN’T do that will define his life, not the things he did do. It’s a damn shame, but it seems pretty well deserved.

Who Sees JoePa As A Hero: Inexplicably, everyone in Happy Valley, including moronic uneducated rioting students who see this enabler as a demigod. Also, current Penn State alumni who think that covering-up the actions of a serial child molester isn’t grounds for dismissal. And conspiracy theorists.

Popularity: 3% [?]

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Harry Nilsson DEAD January 16th, 1994

Posted by OrenS in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born June 15th, 1941

Dead January 16th, 1994

High of His Life: 1969 was probably the best year Harry Nilsson had. After years of musical toiling in relative obscurity his 1969 album Harry become a chart topping success. This is due in no small part to the release of the film Midnight Cowboy the same year. The film featured classic Nilsson songs such as I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City and Everybody’s Talkin’. Although Harry Nilsson enjoyed success until his death in 1994 he was never got as big as he was in 1969. Harry Nilsson is one of those musicians with a lot of well-known songs, but few people remember his name. His posthumous documentary Who is Harry Nilsson? (And Why Is Everybody Talkin’ About Him) speaks to that fact and is the second high water mark of his career.

Low of His Life: Harry suffered from alcoholism most of his adult life. Many people attribute this to his feeling underappreciated by the public and watching his peers become richer and more successful than he was. Other people say he just loved to party.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: singer songwriters, alcoholics, gay hustlers, the vast number of musicians who had hits covering his songs or working with him.

Popularity: 2% [?]

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Wilt Chamberlain DEAD October 12th, 1999

Posted by EricM in Celebrity News | Popular News | Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born: August 21st, 1936

Died: October 12th, 1999

High of His Life: Wilton Norman Chamberlain is regarded by many as the greatest basketball player in the history of everything. Standing over seven feet tall, Wilt is the only player to score 100 points in an NBA game, as well as the only guy to average over 50 pts per game over an entire season… both records that will likely never be touched. While the 100-pt game gets more notice, its the 50+ point average that’s more incredible. To put it in perspective, the 2010-2011 leader in PPG was Kevin Durant, with 28.6. So if Chamberlain beat Durant’s average at 30 one night, that means mathematically he’d have to go out and score 70 the next night. Absolutely ridic.

But as legendary as Wilt’s accomplishments on the hardwood undoubtedly were, the true highs of his life came when his wood was hard. A lifelong bachelor, Chamberlain claimed on several occasions he had sexual intercourse with over 20,000 women.

That’s not a typo. Twenty-THOUSAND women. His lawyer Seymour Goldberg once said “Some people collect stamps, Wilt collected women.” A TV show called In Living Color once did a skit where a mother and daughter stood by a Vietnam-Wall looking structure, that was actually a list of women who had slept with him… and they were both on it.

At the time of the 20,000-women claim, made in his autobiography A View From Above, it was mathematically concluded that he must have had sex with 1.37 women per day, starting from when he was 15.

Low of His Life: Did you not read the first part?? HE HAD SEX WITH 20,000 WOMEN!! And to my knowledge, did so without contracting a sexually transmitted disease! How is that even possible?!

That being said, Chamberlain did have a series of totally dweebish nicknames such as The Big Dipper, Dippy, and Dipper, all of which were references to his need to “dip” his head when he’d walk through a door, NOT his presumably enourmous penis.

People Who See Him As A Hero: Playboys and Centers. Oh, and me.

Popularity: 15% [?]

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Genghis Khan, DEAD August 18th, 1227

Posted by ChristineM in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born: May 31st, 1162

Died: August 18th, 1227

 

High of His Life: He conquered people. Lots of people. He expanded the Mongolian Empire so that by the time of his death, it occupied a major portion of Central Asia and China. Khan pretty much kicked ass and took names all around. He’s also been portrayed in a ton of movies, video games (oh man is he a pain in the ass in the Civilization series)  and has even had bands and songs named after him.

 

Low of His Life: He died falling off a horse. Well, that’s one telling of it, anyway, but a pretty popular one. Think about it. You are a conqueror, loved by some, feared by many, with a great legacy. You’ve battled dozens, killed more, pretty much have your picture in the dictionary next to the word “badass”…. and you fall off a horse. You don’t even die from the fall, you die slowly of the injuries afterwards. That’s pathetic. Pathetic.

 

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Strategy/conquest gamers, Kahn from Star Trek, Bill & Ted, every actor whose ever played him in a film.

Popularity: 26% [?]

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Marilyn Monroe DEAD August 5, 1962

Posted by tarae in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born: June 1, 1926

Died: August 5, 1962 (age 36)

 

High(s) of Her Life: Marilyn Monroe (born Norma Jeane Mortenson) became renowned for playing ditzy blondes and marrying famous men Joe DiMaggio and Arthur Miller. What people probably do not know about her is that her book collection included works by Tolstoy, Whitman, and Milton; she enjoyed Beethoven records, took literature courses at UCLA, and studied acting at The Actors Lab and the New York Actors’ Studio. In short, she was not a dumb blonde. She had bit parts in “All About Eve” and starred in “Gentleman Prefer Blondes”, “The Seven Year Itch” (which yielded the famous photo of her  laughing and pushing down her dress while standing on a vent), and “Some Like It Hot” (my personal favorite). She famously serenaded John F. Kennedy for his birthday; she had to be sewn into that dress. Xlebrity.com

Low(s) of her Life: Her childhood was atrocious. Her mother was mentally unstable and in and out of mental institutions. Marilyn Monroe was nearly smothered when she was two and nearly raped when she was six. She suffered from depression and struggled with self-destruction throughout her life. Marilyn spent most of her childhood in foster homes and orphanages; at age 16, she married first husband James Dougherty, apparently to avoid returning to the orphanage.  Her death was ruled an “accidental overdose”.

Who Sees Her as a Heroine: Lindsay Lohan cites her as a personal idol and Megan Fox is also a fan. Other admirers include smart ditzy blondes everywhere.

Popularity: 36% [?]

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George Steinbrenner DEAD July 13th, 2010

Posted by EricM in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born July 4th, 1930

Dead July 13th, 2010

High of His Life: George Michael Steinbrenner III got to own the Biggest sports franchise in the world, and then he somehow made himself even bigger. He returned the struggling Yankees to greatness, and they are currently the most profitable team in all of sports mainly because of him.

Steinbrenner won not just at the bank, but on the field as well; his Yankee teams brought home 7 World Series Championships during his time as owner, including 2009, the last World Series he’d be alive for.

Most notable, however, should be Steinbrenner’s considerable charity work. He often donated to the families of police officers in the New York area who had lost their lives in the line of duty. He was also a big supporter of the Boys and Girls Club and the Salvation Army, and donated approximately $1 million to St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital.

He was also featured prominently in the television series Seinfeld, voiced by Larry David, and got to share a nickname with legendary rock ‘n roller Bruce Springsteen, who despite my request, did not end up playing at The Boss’s funeral.

Low of His Life: Despite the stories of charity and straightforward kindness, Steinbrenner was more well-known as a tremendous dick. He was one of the first sports team owners to garner a reputation for severely meddling with a teams day-to-day affairs, typically in a detrimental way.

Additionally, he pleaded guilty in 1974 for making illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s re-election campaign and charges of obstruction of justice. For this he was suspended for two years from Major League Baseball, a sentence that seems laughable when one recognzies The Boss actually received a lifetime ban from the game in 1990.

That’s right, the guy most NY sports fans want to be put into baseball’s Hall of Fame, got Pete Rose’d over two decades ago for paying a POS lowlife named Howie Spira $40,000 to spy on then-Yankee Dave Winfield. He was reinstated before the 1993 season, inexplicably, and undeservedly.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Jerry Jones, Mark Cuban, Daniel Snyder, miscellaneous asshole bosses who enjoy a good power trip.

 

 

Popularity: 9% [?]

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Farrah Fawcett DEAD June 25, 2009

Posted by ChristineM in Uncategorized - (1 Comments)

Born: February 2nd, 1947

Died: June 25th, 2009

High of Her Life: Known most famously as Jill from Charlie’s Angels, Farrah Fawcett was a sex icon and a well loved actress in the late 70s to early 80s. That famous red bathing suit poster was plastered on every male college dorm room wall (over 12 million copies have been sold to date). And we can’t forget the fact that she had thousands of women sporting “Farrah hair”. Men loved her, women wanted to be her, what’s a higher point than that?

Low of Her Life: Being diagnosed with anal cancer. Yes, anal cancer. Kind of an embarrassing cancer to say you had. It’s like you’d rather just tell someone you have syphilis or that you own a Justin Bieber album than tell them you have anal cancer. Also, having her death overshadowed by Michael Jackson’s. Sorry Farrah, we cared for about 4 hours. Then we deemed your entire life as less important.

Who Sees Her As a Hero: Every teenage girl in the late 70s, every adolescent boy who ever has and ever will live.

 

Popularity: 20% [?]

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John Smith DEAD June 21st, 1631

Posted by EricM in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Born January 1580

Died June 21st, 1631

High of his Life: Captain John Smith was an Admiral of New England, an English soldier, famous explorer of the New World and even a well-respected author. He was a major influence for Englishmen and women in the 1600s in encouraging colonization of North America.

But perhaps most importantly, over three-hundred-sixty years after his death, Smith was able to achieve that which any good hard working American wishes for themselves; he was depicted in a Disney cartoon.

Low of his Life: For a famous explorer, he sure did get captured a lot. In 1602 he was captured and sold as a slave by the Tatars (which sounds like an alien from Star Trek), in 1607 he was capturned by the Powhatans (Pocahantas’ tribe), in his 1630 novel True Travels he tells the tale of being captured by Turks in Hungary, and in 1615 he was captured by French pirates.

And not only was J.S.’s portrayal in the Disney film completely and utterly inaccurate, but historians who have reviewed Smith’s letters to Queen Anne suspect he likely just made it all up. As if living a lie wasn’t bad enough, his voice was done by Mel Gibson… and then Mel’s brother Donnie in the straight-to-DVD-sequel.

Who Sees Him As A Hero: Pocahantas, allegedly…. Zach Galifianakis, Tim Duffy, Jack Black, Richard Karn… any man rocking that big, bushy, J.S.-style beard. Also, all the other John Smiths out there, checking into Hotel Rooms, skipping out on their electric bills.

 

Popularity: 22% [?]

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James K. Polk DEAD June 15th, 1849

Posted by EricM in Uncategorized - (1 Comments)

Born November 2nd, 1795

Died June 15t, 1849

High of His Life: James K. Polk was the 11th and perhaps most underrated President of the United States. But beforehand, he served as a Congressional representative of Tennessee (and managed to serve his term without tweeting pictures of his erect penis), spent four years as the Speaker of the House, and another three as the Governor of his home state.

His list of accomplishments as President, however, are best described in the They Might Be Giants classic song named after him:

“In four short years he met his every goal
He seized the whole southwest from Mexico
Made sure the tarriffs fell
And made the English sell the Oregon territory
He built an independent treasury
Having done all this he sought no second term”

Low of his Life: JKP kicked so much ass in his short but result-filled term that historians think it killed him. Seriously. Polk lost a ton of weight during his four years as Commander in Chief and died just three months after leaving office. This is still the record for the shortest retirement of any U.S. Prez (103 days), and also made him the youngest former Prez to die in retirement.

It’s also worth noting that Polk, listed at a generous 5”8, was the first President to have “Hail to the Chief” played when he entered a room… because nobody ever noticed when he walked in a place due to his unimpressive appearance. It’s inexplicable why they didn’t opt to play the TMBG medley instead.

Who See’s Him As a Hero: It seems like it’s just me and the guys from They Might Be Giants, though citizens of California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, and parts of New Mexico and Colorado, should be grateful to Polk, ‘cause otherwise they’d be Mexican. And on the North side, residents of Washington, Idaho, Oregon, and parts of Montana and Wyoming should also show some respect, ‘cause otherwise they’d be Canadian. Your welcome.

 

Popularity: 12% [?]

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Leonard B. Stern DEAD June 7, 2011

Posted by KristenM in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Leonard B. SternLeonard B. Stern

Born December 23, 1923

Died June 7, 2011, aged 87

High of His Life: The name might not sound familiar, but his ____ (noun) is known to us all. Stern was an American screenwriter, film and television producer, director, and one of the ____ (adjective) creators of the amazing pastime, Mad Libs –along with Roger Price. Stern was born in ____ (place) and ____ (verb ending in -ed) at NYU. He wrote for many classic TV shows such as Get Smart, The Honeymooners, and Steve Allen’s Tonight Show. Despite working on over ____ (number) famous shows and movies, we all know the most brilliant highlight of his career was teaming up with Roger Price and ____ (verb ending in -ing) Mad Libs. The popular ____ (noun) was created in 1953 and is still played today, even by ____ (derogatory noun) like myself.

Low of His Life: He tried to write a novel and went ____ (adjective).   Another time he got so ____ (adjective) that he told a child’s ____ (noun) to take a ____ (noun) and stick it up her ____ (part of the body).

Who Sees Him as a Hero: ____ (adjective) children, ____ (male celebrity), your mom, and that guy who likes to ____ (verb) at the children who hang out in front of the ____ (location).

Popularity: 9% [?]

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