J.P “The Big Bopper” Richardson October 24, 1930,

Buddy Holly September 7, 1936,

Richie Valens May 13, 1941

Died February 3, 1959

High of Their Lives: The three singer/songwriters listed  here were Rock n’Roll heroes that would inspire generations simply by being white(or white-ish, Valens) and singing music influenced by black people but mostly sucked dry of all the sexual innuendo that such music had heretofore included. That all said they’re responsible for some of the best songs ever. They were the heirs to the explosion of white cultural theft begun by Elvis Presley and they wielded that power with purpose. They toured the nation playing to screaming teenagers. They recorded some of the most beloved songs of their era. In the process they became legends and the subjects of two movies(the Buddy Holly focused The Buddy Holly Story and the Valens focused La Bamba, sorry Big Bopper). Clearly they were very important people.

Low of Their Lives: Of course, then they got on that dumb single engine plane and it literally all came crashing down. We would never again hear the Spanglish song stylings of Richie Valens, we would never again marvel at the classic fat-guy voice of the Big Bopper, and we would have to wait decades for Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo to excise the aesthetic of Buddy Holly and participate in a repeated public molestation of the character he once cut.

They call it “The Day The Music Died” but of course music as it were stuck around for a while afterwards. In fact that music did not die with these three is probably their greatest failure. Their death and music’s continued existence ensured that “American Pie” Don McLean’s insufferable ‘tribute’ to these guys be birthed. The result is a totally inappropriately rowdy and inescapable sing along.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Anyone wearing thick framed glasses as a fashion statement, Arthur Fonzarelli, and rebellious (but not too rebellious) white kids everywhere.

Died January 29, 1963 (aged 88)

High of His Life: What could be more rewarding than hearing your own works quoted on the lips of every high school student and literary scholar? Robert Frost gave America, and the world, the gift of beautiful poetry that was easy to understand, yet deeply rooted in philosophical and social themes. Poetry may not be taken seriously nowadays, but people still have great admiration and respect for the classics. Poems like “Fire and Ice,” “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” and “The Road Not Taken,” will continue to be favorites of mine and hopefully every other future English major.

Low of His Life: Despite his talent and success, Robert Frost’s personal life reads like a horror story. He outlived almost everyone in his family. His father died when he was 11 and left $8 to the family. His mother died of cancer, his younger sister was committed and later died, and half his children either died or were also committed. Mental illness ran in his family and Frost himself suffered from depression. I’m surprised his poetry didn’t read like Hawthorne Heights’ lyrics and make you want to slit your wrists.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Every Lit and English major, aspiring poets, coffee shop owners, and people who want to sound intelligent by quoting famous poetry.

Died January 22, 2012

High of his Life: Joseph Vincent “Joe” Paterno was the head coach of the Penn State football team from 1965 until 2011. He is arguablly the greatest college coach of all time, in all sports, coaching five undefeated teams, becoming the only coach with over 400 victories, and winning a pair of national championships. He’s also a member of the College Football Hall of Fame and holds the record for the most victories by an NCAA Division 1 Football coach with 409.

JoePa’s accomplishments extend beyond the gridiron, however. Paterno put a heavy emphasis on his players graduating, and his rosters consistently ranked above the D-1 average in GPA and graduation rate. He was the first college football coach to be named SI’s “Sportsman of the Year,” and also received the NCAA Gerald R. Ford Award as recently as 2011. Most notable is that the library at PSU bears his name, as Paterno and his wife Sue personally donated over $4 million to help expand it.

As Bill Lyon often wrote, “the least important thing Joe Paterno did was coach football.”

Low of his Life: Up until recently, the low of Paterno’s life was the time he had to leave the football field in the middle of a game because it appeared he had pooped his pants. That was before the Sandusky Scandal, which has altered Paterno’s legacy forever.

JoePa built the Penn State football program on the idea that collegiate athletics should find “Success with Honor.”  That mantra took a serious hit when it was revealed Paterno knew his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was banging little kids in the Penn State lockerroom, and the old head coach knew about it as far back as 2002, and likely as far back as 1998, yet did the bare minimum. And they still let the diddler use school facilities and watch games from the Presidents box as recently as this past season.

Joe Paterno did a lot of truly incredibly, philanthropic deeds that should be applauded. But the fact remains that when given the opportunity to stop the horrible inhumane actions of someone he was close with, he failed miserably. Because of this, it is the things Paterno DIDN’T do that will define his life, not the things he did do. It’s a damn shame, but it seems pretty well deserved.

Who Sees JoePa As A Hero: Inexplicably, everyone in Happy Valley, including moronic uneducated rioting students who see this enabler as a demigod. Also, current Penn State alumni who think that covering-up the actions of a serial child molester isn’t grounds for dismissal. And conspiracy theorists.

Died January 21, 1950

High of His Life: Eric Arthur Blair, known by his pen name George Orwell, is best known for the lovable dystopian novel  Nineteen Eighty-Four. Well, maybe lovable isn’t the right word, but most of us sure do enjoy the bleak and dismal society ruled by Big Brother. Thanks to the success of the novel, the man gets an adjective formed from his name. It doesn’t get any cooler than having your name added to the dictionary. His novella Animal Farm, written four years beforehand, was also widely successful. Together, they have sold more copies than any other two books by another 20th century author.

Low of His Life: With such an immense cultural impact, inspiring similar dystopian novels, music, film, and more, it’s difficult to pinpoint a low of this man’s life. I would say that despite all the homages and references, the downside is that some may have missed the point of his novel. With the recent SOPA bill floating around, clearly our own government doesn’t quite see the problem that potentially lies ahead. Orwell may have unintentionally planted a seed in some politicians’ heads. Ironically he died the same day as Vladimir Lenin.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Tom Morello and the rest of Rage Against the Machine, college students (English major included), the producers of Big Brother, and anyone who appreciates democracy.

Dead January 16th, 1994

High of His Life: 1969 was probably the best year Harry Nilsson had. After years of musical toiling in relative obscurity his 1969 album Harry become a chart topping success. This is due in no small part to the release of the film Midnight Cowboy the same year. The film featured classic Nilsson songs such as I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City and Everybody’s Talkin’. Although Harry Nilsson enjoyed success until his death in 1994 he was never got as big as he was in 1969. Harry Nilsson is one of those musicians with a lot of well-known songs, but few people remember his name. His posthumous documentary Who is Harry Nilsson? (And Why Is Everybody Talkin’ About Him) speaks to that fact and is the second high water mark of his career.

Low of His Life: Harry suffered from alcoholism most of his adult life. Many people attribute this to his feeling underappreciated by the public and watching his peers become richer and more successful than he was. Other people say he just loved to party.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: singer songwriters, alcoholics, gay hustlers, the vast number of musicians who had hits covering his songs or working with him.

Died January 14, 1898

High of His Life: It is without question that the high of his life is giving the world the drug induced children’s classic Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass. His second accomplishment? Writing the nonsensical poem “Jabberwocky” –a creature that would later give me nightmares. The rest of his life was pretty hustlin’ n’ bustlin’ writing other literature, doing photography, and inventing stuff no one really cares about. But Carroll gave the world a book that made little sense about a girl with A.D.D who talked to a cat with no body, people with a serious tea addiction, and a Queen obsessed with the guillotine. The book has inspired numerous film adaptions, tea houses, and a group of adults obsessed with all things Wonderland.

Low of His Life: Besides creating somewhat unintended attention from the books, Lewis Carroll’s legacy has been marred by rumors of pedophilia. Whether they’re true or not, many lean towards perv. He did after all have a thing for taking nude photographs of little girls. You can’t really argue with that. Also, I’m forced to see women dress up like a slutty version of young Alice every year for Halloween. Hmm…maybe Carroll would have enjoyed that….

Who Sees Him As a Hero: People on LSD, Tim Burton, anyone who ever did a remake, pedophiles, and tea whores.

Died January 13, 2010

High of His Life: Jay Reatard spent most of his short life attempting to perfect tightly contained chaos in catchy punk rock songs. The goal proved to be a fruitful one when in 2005 he actually did exactly that. His solo debut Blood Visions was not so much a first record as a culmination of the talent he had shown in his previous bands(Lost Sounds, The Reatards, etc.). The record was an ideal slab of punk rock for anyone who knew anything of such pursuits.

Over the ensuing months Reatard’s notoriety and bank account would grow and he would be offered the chance to expand beyond his punk rock goals. Which is all any artist ever really wants.

Low of His Life: Success of course is always a double edged sword and the unruly nature of Jay Reatard became a bit of a source of both infamy and idolized punk rock credentials. He kicked fans in the front row, feuded with band mates, brought under age girls back to hotel rooms to take acid with him. Things got messy and the lows seemed to be coming directly on the back of all of the heights.

Of course the last public missive in Jay Reatard oeuvre was a Tweet. Not some funny tweet or a touching tweet. It was a Tweet (This Tweet) where Jay Reatard offered his fans money to vandalize the van of a rival punk band. No one ever did that requested act of vandalism and two days later Jay Reatard was dead.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Ty Segal, anyone making anything even sort of like punk rock, misanthropes, me.

Died January 8, 1825

High of His Life: Despite having quite a few inventions under his belt, the only thing we remember from Elementary school is the cotton gin. Thanks to this nifty device, he turned cotton into an immensely profitable crop, strengthening our economy and turning a painstakingly tedious process into less of an annoyance. It was also a key invention for the Industrial Revolution. (I’m sure we’re all thankful for cozy cotton shirts instead of itchy wool.) Despite being inaccurately credited for the invention of interchangeable parts, it’s still something to add to his list, along with the milling machine.

Low of His Life: Although the cotton gin increased the cotton industry and turned quite a nice profit, the invention subsequently strengthened slavery, despite what one might think. Now that it was easier to produce cotton, demand skyrocketed and so did the need for slavery in the South. Whitney also had to deal with a ton of legal battles over patent infringement and barely turned a profit from his invention. Poor guy just can’t catch a break.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Industrialists, the entire South, and Fruit of the Loom. I’m sure we can all surmise which people didn’t see him as a hero…yeah you’re all thinking it too.

Died January 5, 2007

High of His Life: We all know the famous Cup O’ Noodle soup. A staple of diets for anyone living in a rush or on a budget. Well, Momofuku Ando was the man who brought these high sodium treats to the masses. At first he simply sold bagged pre-cooked ramen, however it is likely that his greatest achievement was finding a self contained polystyrene cup to contain said noodles in. From then on the cups became a staple prop along with sweat pants and acne of the college set and a source of carbs, salt and not much else for people committed to a shoe string budget.

Low of His Life: About a half hour after shoveling a pile of these salty noodles down your neck you are likely feeling pretty much like a polystyrene cup full of shit yourself. For me, owing to high blood pressure, I almost immediately feel the vein in my head begin to throb and I get an almost instantaneous sodium based headache that very little can be done to fix. Momofuku being human likely also had these problems. A low of almost anyone’s life.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Hot Pocket inventors Paul Merage and David Merage, the developers of Lipitor, college students, and fat people with a death wish.

Died: October 12th, 1999

High of His Life: Wilton Norman Chamberlain is regarded by many as the greatest basketball player in the history of everything. Standing over seven feet tall, Wilt is the only player to score 100 points in an NBA game, as well as the only guy to average over 50 pts per game over an entire season… both records that will likely never be touched. While the 100-pt game gets more notice, its the 50+ point average that’s more incredible. To put it in perspective, the 2010-2011 leader in PPG was Kevin Durant, with 28.6. So if Chamberlain beat Durant’s average at 30 one night, that means mathematically he’d have to go out and score 70 the next night. Absolutely ridic.

But as legendary as Wilt’s accomplishments on the hardwood undoubtedly were, the true highs of his life came when his wood was hard. A lifelong bachelor, Chamberlain claimed on several occasions he had sexual intercourse with over 20,000 women.

That’s not a typo. Twenty-THOUSAND women. His lawyer Seymour Goldberg once said “Some people collect stamps, Wilt collected women.” A TV show called In Living Color once did a skit where a mother and daughter stood by a Vietnam-Wall looking structure, that was actually a list of women who had slept with him… and they were both on it.

At the time of the 20,000-women claim, made in his autobiography A View From Above, it was mathematically concluded that he must have had sex with 1.37 women per day, starting from when he was 15.

Low of His Life: Did you not read the first part?? HE HAD SEX WITH 20,000 WOMEN!! And to my knowledge, did so without contracting a sexually transmitted disease! How is that even possible?!

That being said, Chamberlain did have a series of totally dweebish nicknames such as The Big Dipper, Dippy, and Dipper, all of which were references to his need to “dip” his head when he’d walk through a door, NOT his presumably enourmous penis.

People Who See Him As A Hero: Playboys and Centers. Oh, and me.