Born: 

Dead: May 4th, 2012

High of His Life:  I’d say 90% of it.  Adam “MCA” Yauch was one of the three founding members of The Beastie Boys,  who were pretty much one of the most influential artists in the rap world and one of the longest running hip hop groups. Their last album, Hot Sauce Committee Part Two,  came out in 2011 and they were still experiencing huge commercial success, 25 years after their first album was released.  Yauch himself directed many of the awesome Beastie Boys music videos we know and love, including “Intergalactic”, the greatest robot vs. octopus creature story ever told. And the Beastie Boys appeared as secret characters in the original  NBA Jam video game AND the 2010 remake. You don’t get bigger than that, seriously.

Low of his Life: Well first, he got all up in arms at the 1994 MTV Video Awards as his alter ego, Nathanial Hornblower, and flipped out about Sabotage not winning Best Direction over R.E.M. That was awkward.  In 2009, Yauch was diagnosed with cancer after finding a tumor in his salivary gland. Because of this, the band couldn’t tour, nor did they make appearances in videos for their most recent single releases. In fact, they said they would not tour until Yauch got better.  There’s nothing sadder than the fact that the Beastie Boys will never perform live as a cohesive whole again, but teenagers can at least still blast “Fight For Your Right” to piss off our moms.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Eminem, young Jewish boys, Ad Rock and Mike D, anyone who grew up in the late 80s and early 90s.

Born:

Dead: May 2nd, 2012

High of His Life: Junior Seau got to do what a lot of us dream of; play in the National Football League… and he did it very, very successfully. A ten-time all-pro and twelve time pro bowler, Seau was one of the leagues great all-time linebackers. He spent a majority of his career with the San Diego Chargers (not a bad place to make a living), and also spent time with the Miami Dolphins.

Low of his Life: Guy never won a ring. Despite being on some very talented San Diego teams, Seau only went to one Super Bowl as a member of the Charges… and his defense was promptly embarrassed on a global scale by Steve Young, Jerry Rice & the San Fran 49ers, giving up a Super Bowl record 49 points.

In an effort to get that elusive Super Bowl, Seau actually came out of retirement and sold his soul to play for the NFLs most evil organization, the New England Patriots, froom 2006-2009. The bad karma caught up with Seau, and the PatriRats, who never won a Championship during Seau’s tenure (or since).

The rumor at the mo’ is that Seau’s death was a suicide, which will likely be linked to the negative effects of undiagnosed concussions. So not only did he get the horrific later-in-life complications, but he’s missing out on the opportunity to sue the NFL for billions of dollars.

Dead: April 18th, 2012

High of His Life: Dick Clark kicked ass back in the day.  He came into the spotlight by starting off as a substitute host and then moving to become the main host of American Bandstand (thanks to the original host being fired for a drunk driving arrest, win!). If you ask your mom, American Bandstand was a big deal back in the day. It’s the white person’s Soul Train equivalent.  From there, Dick Clark moved on to his own show, Dick Clark’s New  Year’s Rockin’ Eve. In fact, that man is so synonymous with the holiday I think he may have invented it. He was definitely old enough to.  And anyone who has a show with their name in the title deserves credit.

Low of His Life: Well, poor old Dick suffered from a stroke in 2004 and everyone thought that would stop his career. Instead, he took it to an even lower point in two ways; giving Ryan Seacrest his job and continuing to make appearances on  New Year’s Rockin’ Eve during the countdown every year. It was a lot less rockin’ and a whole lot more awkward since then. I don’t know who didn’t cringe every time that poor man would try to string a sentence together before having difficulty remembering the order of numbers from 10 to 1.  What a way to ring in the new year, with a dude who had clearly cheated death for too long. Sorry he caught up with ya, pal.

People Who See Him As a Hero: Ryan Seacrest, geriatrics who still aspire to stardom, white people in their 50s and 60s who actually remember American Bandstand.

Dead March 12, 1997

High of His Life: In his short life Notorious B.I.G. born Christopher Wallace had some amazing highs. From the release of two classic albums to numerous hit singles, in fact some of the best songs ever. His remarkable talent got him everything he ever wanted fame and riches but there was one thing that beat them all. He admitted he was ugly and fat, how could he not, and yet through his talent, money and above all his charisma he managed to bag tons of women and become the envy of many of his peers. For anyone self conscious about their weight this is the ultimate revenge.

Low of His Life: Of course a kid from the streets with a weight problem is also going to have some crushing lows and while he did not see McDonalds end their Super-Size promotion(for this may have killed had bullets not) there are many things we could call his worst moment. He was gunned down brutally at a young age but for a person already certain he would die an early death this is likely not the low of his life.

No, for Biggie the low had to be “Hit Em Up” by Tupac. That song a brutalizing attack on the Notorious B.I.G. must have really stung with scorching lines like “You claim to be a player, But I fucked your wife, We bust on Bad Boys, niggas fucked for Life.” Ouch.

People Who See Him as a Hero: Jay-Z, Eminem, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, basically every other rapper, Jesse Pinkman, fat people everywhere, and so many more people.

Died: March 5th, 2012

High of His Life: Robert Sherman is one half of the Sherman Brothers, one of the greatest song writing duos ever. Yeah, you heard me. He wrote popular Disney songs like “Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious” and won two Academy Awards, best song and best score, for “Chim Chim Cher-ee”. Oh and don’t forget the Grammy he also won with his brother for that one. The Jungle Book, Aristocats, and Winnie the Pooh all have songs written by both of these great men. Beyond the movies, he also wrote songs for the parks, like “One Little Spark” for Journey to Imagination in Epcot, and “It’s A Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow” for the Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom.  Pretty much most of those songs you grew up with as a kid were written by this guy and his bro. Heck, generations of people can say they grew up with their music. That’s saying something.

Low of His Life: He wrote one of the (arguably) most hated songs of all time, It’s a Small World. That song is synonymous with torture. In fact, I think prisoners of war have opted to be waterboarded over listening to that song on repeat. Also, it is used in a ride full of creepy doll children that’s about 8 minutes long and travels at 2 miles per hour, making you want to abandon the boat and swim back to the loading docks. Take it from someone who knows.  If you can get through that ride, you can get through anything.

Who Sees  Him As a Hero: Disney geeks, Randy Newman, and magical nannies everywhere.

Dead February 29, 2012

High of His Life: Hey, hey he was a Monkee! People say he monkeed around! He’ll just keep on singing…oh wait no he won’t. He’s dead. Regardless, being in the pop group The Monkees was certainly his biggest accomplishment. He sang lead vocals for the group and he was a total teenage heartthrob –major chick magnet back in the day. Even after the group disbanded, he still remained popular during his solo career. He was apparently famous enough to make quite a number of cameos on various television shows and movies. Or maybe he was just the butt of the joke…

Low of His Life: Despite the major success and continued popularity of the song “Daydream Believer,” Davy Jones was in a band created for a television show…and it was The Monkees! Although they were popular at the time, the Beatles they were not, no matter how hard they tried to be. They were just wannabes. His cameo in the movie The Brady Bunch Movie was him totally making fun of himself and his lack of importance in a modern world.

People Who See Him as a Hero: Marcia Brady, your mom, the other Davy Jones, monkeys.

Died: February 22, 1987

High of His Life: Considered to be the quintessential leader of the pop art movement, Andy Warhol was the “it guy” of his time. Besides getting to hang out with all the hottest celebrities of the time, Warhol actually got paid to paint soup cans, bananas, and celebrities…then he inverted the colors! Despite my personal dislike, the man not only had a huge influence on the art scene, but also had a cultural impact on music, film, fashion, and books. His work continues to influence people from all cultural mediums.

Low of His Life: Warhol managed to have just as many haters as lovers, claiming  his work lacked depth, meaning, or significance. In 1986, Valerie Solanas shot Warhol at his studio. Many would say, or at least I would, he became somewhat of a sellout in the 1970s when he decided to spend most of his time gathering up rich patrons to commission portraits. By the 80s, many described him as superficial and said he turned into a “business artist.”

Who Sees Him as a Hero: The Velvet Underground, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, people who use Photobooth on Macs, and failed artists everywhere

Died: February 22, 1984

High of His Life: What could I possibly say was the “high” of this poor child’s life? I’m sure if you ask a devout religious person he would say it was a miracle he was alive at all. David Vetter’s parents knew full well that if they attempted to have a child, there would be a 50% chance he would conceive SCID. Way to take the risk anyway mom and dad! A friend was sweet enough to arrange a special showing of Return of the Jedi at a local movie theater where David could attend in a transport chamber. He also got to wear a special suit developed by NASA but he only wore it 7 times before outgrowing it.

Low of His Life: Oh boy, where to begin? Let’s see…he lived in a bubble! He only knew the feeling of fresh air for 10 seconds after his birth before he entered his special chamber. David never knew the feeling of human contact, the wind blowing in his hair, the warmth of sunshine on his face, or the crunch of sand beneath his toes. Is that depressing enough for you? David put on quite the facade to the media and to others; over time he became angry and depressed, much like the bubble boy from Seinfeld.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Christians, ill children, people with souls, and hamsters.

Died: February 20th, 2005

High of his Life: Hunter S. Thompson was the greatest manipulator of the English language in the history of man. Inventor of “Gonzo,” his own personal genre of journalism, HST wrote some of the most fantastic collections of words and phrases in the history of man. The autobiographical novel Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the gonzo journalistic book Hell’s Angels, and the collection of articles Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72 are his most celebrated. However, he’s perhaps better known for his constant nonchalant use of drugs and alcohol. The Good Doctor described himself as “a teenage girl trapped in the body of an elderly dope fiend,” a phrase that seemed to fit his lifestyle perfectly.

Looking for a good drinking game? Just type “Hunter S. Thompson quotes” into Google, then search the page for how many times the phrase “pig fucker” is used.

Low of his Life: An alcoholic and a drug addict, HST health failed him at a relatively early age, and his physical struggles led to his seemingly inevitable suicide. More notably, like most who struggle with addiction Raul Duke had a closet full of demons, many of which were thrown out into the public posthumously by Rolling Stone editor Jann Werner in the biography GONZO: The Life of Hunter S. Thompson. And like many self-destructive aritsts, the Good Doctor leaves his loyal fanbase with the heartbreaking thought of what could have been.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Journalists, politicians, writers, Ralph Steadman, Johnny Depp, and anyone who has ever truly enjoyed Las Vegas. Also, myself.

Died February 14, 270 (although that is up for debate)

High of His Life: There are actually 14 Saint Valentines and it’s not clear if the feast celebrates one or all the saints with the same name. Either way, all of those bastards are responsible for today’s commercialized holiday. (I can’t pretend I’m not jealous of having my own recognized holiday though.) Thanks to these martyrs, you can enjoy candy, flowers, stuffed animals, fancy dinners, and sexy lingerie on your lady…or man depending what you’re in to. The original saint supposedly restored a blind girl’s vision. I’d say that’s quite an accomplishment.

Low of His Life: Whether we’re talking about one Saint Valentine or all, each were martyred. That has to suck, even if it is for a cause. Also, they gave us this terrible horrible where people feel forced to do romantic gestures for their partners. Because of them, I’m sure countless men have been dumped because they forgot to buy a present. I’m also certain many fights were caused over lame Valentine’s Day plans.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Hopeless romantics, Catholics, Hallmark, florists, Russell Stover, and all major candy companies