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Franz Kafka

Born July 3, 1883

Died June 3, 1924, aged 40.

High of his Life: Franz Kafka is widely considered to be one of the 20th century’s greatest writers. His work set the stage for later literary movements such as magic realism, existentialism and modernism, as well as absurdism and surrealism. The word Kafkaesque, meaning marked by surreal distortion and a sense of impending danger, is today part of the English language.

Low of his Life: Kafka’s work didn’t get much attention until after he died. Which is ironic considering that his last wish was that all of his writings be destroyed. The Metamorphosis was the only finished novel-length work he left behind and his other masterpieces, The Trial and The Castle, remain unfinished. He only published a handful of short stories while he was alive. He died young of tuberculosis and probably starved to death due to his throat pain at the end of his life. He never had a good relationship with his father, as exemplified in his “Letter to His Father” (1919) where he wrote: “My writing was all about you; all I did there, after all, was to bemoan what I could not bemoan upon your breast.” He viewed himself as weak(although he seemingly had many friends, especially women) yet his neurosis also affected his sexuality; he never married and had a few, likely unconsummated love affairs that wound up with him breaking it all off.

Who Sees Him as a Hero: Jorge Luis Borges, Thomas Mann, Milan Kundera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Salman Rushdie, Federico Fellini, and pretty much every writer born after 1945.

Popularity: 26% [?]

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Henry Louis “Lou” Gehrig.

Born on June 19th, 1903

Died on June 2nd, 1941 at the age of 37.

High of his Life: Gehrig is considered one of baseball’s all-time greats, teaming up with Babe Ruth as perhaps the best 1-2 hitting combination in the history of MLB. His #4 has been retired by the New York Yankees, and his “Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth” speech is considered by many to be the most memorable in sports. The most notable achievement of his career, however, would be his 2,130 consecutive games played streak, an MLB record that would “never be broken.”

He was such a big deal in New York City that Mayor LaGuardia (who was named after the airport) ordered flags to be flown at half-staff on the day he died.

Low of his Life: Well, he died of Lou Gehrig’s disease, which in the words of Dennis Leary: “How did he not see that coming?” He was the original Scottie Pippen; a totally awesome player who should have been the best on his team, but just wasn’t. And at least Pippen knew he was playing second-fiddle to a physically superior athlete; Gehrig played back-up to a complete fat ass.

Oh, and that 2,130 game streak that would never be broken? Well it got broke, by Baltimore Oriole Cal Ripken Jr., who demolished it with 2,632.

And while this isn’t actual fact, there are a plethora of different religions and faiths that would claim that since Gehrig played his entire career for the New York Yankees, he’s now rotting in Hell. If you believe that sort of thing.

Who Sees Him As a Hero: Scottie Pippen, Evgeni Malkin, Kobe Bryant, Marvin Harrison, whichever Williams sister is the uglier one… all the great sports sidekicks. And don’t forget Alois Alzheimer, Thomas Addison, Harvey Cushing, and Dr. James Parkinson. Gehrig blazed the trail for all these guys.

 

Popularity: 13% [?]

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Clarice Taylor.

Born September 20th, 1917

Died May 30th, 2011 at the age of 93

High of her life: Well let’s just say it, making it to 93 is a feat in and of it’s self, so let us applaud the general health of Mrs. Taylor and the fortitude of whatever medical professionals were keeping her heart beating all these years. Clarice Taylor appeared in television shows like Sesame Street, where she played David’s grandmother Harriet and had guest spots in Ironside, Sanford and Son, and Spenser for Hire.

Of course her absolute career highlight is as the eldest matriarch of the Huxtable family from the 80′s into the 90′s on The Cosby Show.  On the show “Grandma Huxtable” could sass ol’ Heathcliff Huxtable(Bill Cosby himself) in ways only a mother could, and Bill had the over exaggerated facial expressions to prove it.

Low of her life: Prior to arriving on Sesame Street in 1976 Clarice had a career in something called “the theater” which if I understand “acting” is the lowliest form of the art. She was in a bunch of plays that are not even available on DVD! That seems like a real bumb racket. Having been born in 1917, this means she spent the first 60 years of her life doing “work” of very little value, though since no one can go back in time and check for ourselves we can not confirm or deny this.

Her most recent performance was in the 1995 indie film Smoke which featured Harvey Keitel but in a rare instance NOT his penis. This means not only did she faily to act along side Keitel’s member but she hasn’t worked in the entertainment business in 16 years. This clearly suggests she was either a communist, a sexual deviant, or incredibly difficult to work with.

Who Sees Her As A Hero: Evelyn Harper, Rudy Huxtable, anybody above the age of 40 who still hopes to “make it” in the entertainment industry.

Popularity: 21% [?]

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